Thursday, September 20, 2007
5:30 PM
WintersongThis is a tough one to write. It's the kind of thing i think most people don't want to think about... and that's losing a loved one. This month, hasn't been a very good month. A friend of mine has been going through the roughest time. Her father has been sick for quite some time, and he's been gradually getting worse. It's a heart condition and he had been turning blue. About 3 weeks ago, this friend of mine, lost a friend in a car accident. And earlier this week, she lost her father. I cannot imagine what it must be like for her. I can try to understand or sympathise, but i won't know what its really like. There's only so much one can say or do in a situation like this, when one hasn't yet been through it. I'm not one for prayers, but when i heard the news, i gave a silent prayer.This whole thing has snapped me hard from living in my own little world - and i have been lately. It really made me see, just how real reality is. People around me could be gone. You know i think a lot of us see all those stories on the news or read them in the papers and we think "i'm glad that didn't happen to me" or we think that that's not the kind of thing that will happen to us. That was basically my subconscious perception. I wasn't out of touch with reality,i don't live in a bubble, but i didn't connect it to myself. I never linked any of these things to my own life. But now i see it so differently. I feel like i'm running out of time to say what i should say or do what i want/should do.Yesterday I found out that my grandfather has been heart problems too, he had a heart attack last night. I cant put to words how scared i am and i cant even bring myself to consider the possibility. I knew this day would come, but i never thought it would come so soon.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
12:16 PM
What's My Age Again?With the prelims over the Os are getting oh-so close. It's already mid-September. How crazy is that? This year has been going at warp speed. Anyway, yesterday i found myself with absolutely nothing to do after school. It's always like that after exams ain't it? That weird feeling of aimlessness, feeling a little lost? Like from this crazy world of 'Study Study Study' , to suddenly having free time again. (altho its only for a short while) Its like i've forgotten how to go out and chill. I sort of expected someone to call me out for the weekend, like i forgot how to plan one myself. Weird huh. OK.So back to yesterday...I was in a semi-sedated state. My brain needed time to process what people were saying, and i was missing a lot of things. I guess now i know how Jocelyn feels. LOL. =)We were people with no lives. Shit, Qian Yong and I. We were practically wandering around Compass Point with no direction. We'd stop and ask ourselves "Where we going?" every 5 steps or so. It was pretty retarded but anyways... Shit, had an idea. This coming from shit, you have to know it's gonna be.... ... ... uhm.. well. yeah. *shrugs*She wanted the 3 of us to pick a place to go, like a random shop or something. We'd go and then leave for the next shop. So it would seem like we had a plan and we had a goal. -_-. As stupid as it was i actually went along with it... It was really dumb. We went to kiddy's palace(Qy's choice) then to Polar bakery (my choice - i only said it cos it was right in front of me at the time) and then to the Banquet(shit's). So we went from the 1st story to the third then back to where we were then to the 2nd.I think she was really amused, and proud of herself for thinking of it. Oh well... I felt stupid afterwards. I think i'm still in that subdued state. I feel slow. And it has taken me 35mins to write this one post. Gosh... i so need to get a life after the O levels.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
11:01 AM
Why Can't We Be Friends?Lately I'd been mad. Mad at this particular 'friend'. Why? Because SHE LIES, she is PRETENTIOUS and she thinks no one can see it, she likes to claim many many things often regarding money - a vain attempt to try to impress people, she blatantly remarks on issues that has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me. Those are mostly the things that are very personal to me, and she knows it cos i have told her before. And yet she dares to say them and still act like she hasn't said anything wrong.
Yes, we used to be close friends, (hence sbe knows things about me)... and i tried to forgive her when certain things happened but then i think this year she said something that was downright wrong, and with
ill intent, i think that was the moment i decided to close her off completely.
Oh and yes, she likes to say things very openly, in a casual, 'hey i'm just kidding' fashion, but with the intention of a personal attack. Of course, she doesn't think i notice, and i don't respond to it 99% of the time because i rather not blow things up out of proportions... as things get whenever she's involved in something.. But now i'm finding it difficult because my tolerance level is dwindling. Drastically.
You know, some times i think she just says things for herself. Its more about making herself feel better, then to hurt others...but sometimes its just plain obvious what her intentions are and it makes me lose all respect for her.
I realise how im talking. As if i'm perfect. For the record, i don't think i am... its just that this is a whole slew of complaints i've bottled up for quite some time, so obviously, it's gonna be very heavy.
But she's not all that bad.. she's just immature but thinks otherwise, pretentious but thinks otherwise, blatant but again, thinks otherwise.
She doesn't know her place. I think that's the intrusive part. She doesn't know when it's NOT her place to say certain things. This is also the immature part.
But when she's not with the impulse to impress people by showing off or by claiming how others have praised her, she is quite fun to be around. But moments of her like this does not come easy... and i've found it extremely difficult to look at her without being angry with betrayal, irritated, and 100% FED UP. I just don't trust her anymore.
Going back to the part where I decided to write her off... That was some time ago.. i think since then we've hung out a lot , but I've kept a distance. We joke, sure. We laugh and talk about everyday things... but that's all... because i really can't make myself look at her differently.. its quite sad actually.. I havent told her all this because , 1, Im a coward, 2, I'm having crucial exams and 3, Im not looking forward to the backlash if I confront her. 4. It would be a hugely,awkward,painful experience.
Gosh... to be honest.... im starting to feel like i'm gonna have a whole track record of writing people off. I don't know if its the right thing to do anymore. I have done that a lot.. Once someone has a character flaw that i am personally against,i just can't get over it.. And finally after they repeatedly do something i write them off... It's partly my fault cos i don;t confront them about it... Anyway i don't have time to tink about this any further i've got to get ready to go to school.. Chemistry practical starts at 1.