Thursday, December 28, 2006
12:49 PM
Okay so 2days ago i decided to host this New Year's Eve party at my house.. Maaaybe a little too late to start but who careS? lol..
SO now I have to get all the party refreshments down.. nOoo problem except that i am not sure how many people are coming... its always the "i see 1st" or the "maybes" and of cos e "i see 1st"..
And why do i just know that on e day itself there'll be people(who said they're coming) backing out? lol.. *shh!! katty shh!!! my cat's been biting my feet.. she wants me to play with her... needy little thing..*
Where was I... i just played with her lol.. Oh yeh.. So there're only about 6-7people confirmed... which is pretty lame lol.. but its okay..can still have fun.. So the party will start @ 6pm.. and we'll countdown to the new year.. We were talking about having decos up but uhm... naahh.. maybe just a stupid sign saying "'07!! yay!!" lol
since this is thursday and the party's on Sunday.. i'm gonna have to finish all my homework today.. or at least TRY to.. and tomorrow will be the shopping.. Cant wait for it! Might be a disaster lol..*get it over with..*
Thursday, December 21, 2006
1:01 PM
Isn't this time of year just so.... mmmmmmm.. and hhaaaaiii...With the raining, the wet roads and the christmas decor.. waking up lazy eyed and go 'mmmmmm' with the rain outside my window.. Its so that time of the year!!And i would wanna watch one of those movies with the family altogether.. dealing with tiny tragedies... feel the sweetness.. the love.. sigh.. it makes me feel again..It's all so....... nostalgic.This time of year is always heartbreaking and sweet at the same time.. And there's this other thing....You know what i tink it is..?I think that its feeling colder on the inside than the air outside... and now when it starts raining non stop your body feels warmer inside.. it makes you feel again.. I donno.. maybe im the only one who feels this way... its not a feeling of depression or anything... All i got is a haaaaaiii.... and a mmmmmmmmm..
Saturday, December 16, 2006
11:04 AM
I dunno wad to post so im dedicating tis entire post to guys i find hot.. =)))~~~~ Got a couple of guys more tt i'd like to add... but im tired so this is it for now..Christian BalePhoooa... hot hot hot!!!
Rain (Bi)
=)~
Jamie Foxx Omg.. Omg Omg omgomg... smooooooooooth!
Teddy JohnCute.. but kinda boyish.. But his personality's not..
Shan Wee Again.. a lil boyish.. But he's quite gorgeous actually....
heh. I wish thr were betta pics..
Chad Michael Murray
Cute.
Jay Hernandez
rlly hot yeh...
James Blunt
Maybe not quite in the same league.. but he has a lot of soul..
Friday, December 15, 2006
9:01 PM
Hmm this is weird.. i feel weird. Find myself with nth to say.. Its like i have all these things in my head and i have to get them out but they've been in there too long that it's all messed up together so now i have no idea where to start.. and what it is i wanna say... ... ....
I'm not explaining this very well.. Like the lyrics from Breathe(2am)..
"2am and im still awake writing this song / If i get it all down on paper its no longer inside of me / Threatening the life it belongs to."
Lately its been quiet.. nothing much happening.. i guess.
Well.. almost...
Last Saturday i went out with this guy.. for discretion i'll just call him Andy.. Cos lately been toking abt tt stupid kid Andy Milonakis..
OK so i hung out with this guy Andy.. met up in the evening to catch a movie.. We were pickin on a show.. and seats.. Turns out that only Open Season was the timeslot tt was convienient so wth... we cought it.. lol..
We got ourselves the Couple seats.. no big deal rite? Friends can take those seats... its like most comfortable to lean on someone when watching a movie..
Ok then we had abt an hr to kill.. went to ben n jerry's.
The seats were so cool.. and theres e big screen there playing MTV.(weekend break all nonsense) Anyway.. we hung out there, it was cool.. then at abt 8.50 a band came.. lol.. (shoutout to RTER.. they were quite gd.. maybe nex time u guys play there..)
Ok then we left for the cinema and i jus told him i felt sleepy.. cos i was having e flu.. so he jus said i could lean on his shoulder.. I didnt mind either.. its casual rite.. i still tink its ok.. Just that maybe i gave him e wrong impression.... i still dunno..
Cos as the movie started he started inching little moves on me.. Like first it was the stroking my arm.. then the hair.. then the side of my face.. he kept turning right to face me.. And the whole vibe i got from him .. was that he wanted something more than friends...
See the thing is if i liked him back or attracted to him i would be so totally into it.. not tt hes not gd looking.. but being attracted is different ma...
As e movie progressed he started holding my hands, knotting our fingers together.. it was so uncomfortable and i just wanted to shift away but then it'll be awkward if i did that so by now i was like "SHIT! how long is this movie?!"
And i felt him constantly turning to face me and my lips felt all weird n vulnerable... cos i didnt want him to kiss me.. i look at him like my cousin! And i dont wanna kiss my cousin!! So i had the urge to purse my lips all the time cos it jus felt weird... but i didnt want to cos i know he'll see me doing that and think maybe i want a kiss.. Which would be bad.. cos then i'd have to reject him and then things wouldnt be e same..
Anyways i couldnt help myself i pursed my friggin lips...!! (felt betta) but he saw it.. so after that i jus pointed my face slightly in e other direction.. And just to get out of tis awkward hold i kept checking my phone for the time.. msgs... making up lame excuses
i feel so dumb.... this is pretty childish..
Jus cos i didn wanna have a "talk" and clear things up, i let things get all awkward... anyway e movie was only 80mins.. we left for different trains and i haven spoken 2 him yet since that nite... i tink he noes... sigh.. i shld've handled it much better...
Saturday, December 09, 2006
4:43 AM
Now i feel like such a whiny bitch.. cos if this the worst of my problems.. then .. you know,I'm lucky.. After i whined i founnd myself going back to one of my favorite music videos by Sarah Maclachlan.. World On Fire.. And i realise how people are battling for survival 24/7 . Out of the lack of choices or opportunities.. Out of desperation and out of survival..
There's this scene of this lovely woman in Ghana,Africa.She's a single mother. She works 2 jobs. 16hours a day. 7 days a week. At night, she sells oranges at 2cents a piece. 50 oranges = $1. You can imagine what it takes to do that aside from the other difficulties that she faces in her life.
I tear up every time i see that scene because u can see the resillience and strength and love and still, even through her hardship, she is smiling and and it is so pure and so beautiful and it inspires me and gives me hope..
I admire her so much and all i noe of her is that one 5 second scene.. God knows where and how she is doing now....
This video is really inspirational and it makes me want to make a real difference.. to go out there and do something that really
means somethng..
3:51 AM
Its weird being in this group.. I think it went wrong for me from the start..
When i'm among these 8 other people, i'm this moronic, childish person and its ALL the time when im around them. Every time i'm with them it just turns on..
We think differently and i dont have anything real in common with them.. the only way i feel i can really communicate with all of these people is when i am that moronic,idiotic person whose always trying to crazk stupid jokes. In no way am i saying that that's the kind of people they are.. Its just we have nothing else in common!! My relationship with all of them is shallow and all of a sudden there was this group formed and i personally had doubts and i didnt know if i should go along with it but i just said nothing.. I didnt want to sabotage this whole.. group thing. And i realised that im sort of an outcast there and no one takes me seriously..
Its just exhausting to be this person every single time - all the time- im with them.. Its not like im acting like someone im not or anything.. This whole goofy moronic persona is a part of me but i dont want to be that ALL THE TIME.. its really exhausting..
But its not something i can just turn off.. Im just so used to being so shallow with them that i cant stop and i dont even realise that im doing it..
When i speak to them.. i want to speak as me and not put on this whole front... but theres nothing with substance that i can talk about with them..
Something that actually matters to me..but I dont think that it'll be relatable...
Anyway i can feel this constant apathy to what i have to say.. Its pretty obvious to me. And now this whole group thing with the name and all it just feels so official . Something attesting to all our friendships which is such a... an awkward thing for me because of how shallow my relations are with the rest of them. I do want to get to know them better, move past this whole phase but how far could u go with people that think so differenly from you?
I just might be sabotaging myself but god.. It's been naggin me from the very beginning... at that time i just thought "Okay whatever.. its not like they noe me so it aint gonna affect me that much...they're just school friends.. I already have friends and people in my life who know who i am and understand me and who i can count on. Not gonna affect me at all..."
But now.... i just dont feel good having 8 people who i hang out with more and more, think that i'm that sort of person.
It makes it harder to drop this whole thing cos if im not that idiot, then i'd just be sitting there with nothing to say..
And then now im thinking if im just some despicable attention seeker whose sabotaging herself... It doesnt feel that way tho.. I just want some clarity on who my real friends are... Last night at the chalet we had a good time.. In the morning things got dazy for me and it really sunk in. This morning it really bothered me that i automatically become that childish prick again.. It really exhausted me..
And i realised tt i look really stupid some times because there is only so much idiotic things i have to say normally so i run out things to say and start picking at the lamest stupidest things.. And i cant believe i hear myself say things like that... Its fine sometimes cos it is me.. just not ALL the FRICKIN TIME.. I repeat too much... jeez... but i only have this blog to vent on on this topic so i realy feel like saying again that i'm exhausted..
It's funny cos i start being myself again with other people..
I want to start acting like myself when im around them...
Sunday, December 03, 2006
10:05 PM
In no way can i lose her now..i have too much anger towards her and i just can't lose her now.. I can't lose her and be angry. I can't deal with that.
My mother , through these 8-9years, has owed me a lot. That is how long she has been depressed. And I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HER since i was 8 years old. Been there when she was crying. Been here when she was venting, angry at whomever, -my dad, me, my brothers. Been there when she was unbelievably depressed and needed to confide to someone and needed consoling. I was there when she said how she failed as a wife, and the countless times she said she failed as a mother, how she feels that her 3 kids are so rude or disrespectful towards her and how we turned out this way. I was there when she would say that she couldn't live anymore, and i was there consoling her.
When she wanted to kill herself. And she would tell me to stick close to my family and how she wants the three of us to rely on each other. How she would always say that no one knows her pain. And she would always worry about everything and how she couldnt take it anymore. I was there when she took pills. Been there when she would try to overdose on them. Or she would tell me when she had taken a bunch on pills and mixed them with alcohol . I was there when she wasnt herself - irrational, emotionally unstable, angry, fragile... hopeless.
When i was 10 i remember this incident when i woke up late in the morning, i walked across towards the kitchen doorway, and my mum came out of there and she was crying and disoriented and she had a knife in her hand and her wrist was bleeding. I remember being so stunned and scared and i didnt know what to do. I yelled out "what were u doing?!" Loud enough so my brother could hear, and he came and i didnt have to deal with it all on my own.. Some times i would look at the scars on her left wrist, it would come out of nowhere and i would be reminded of everything and it would break my heart.
I remember all those times when she needed me, when she was going through one of her 'modes' and i remember listening to her, crying with her, being strong for her, telling her not to give up, feeling my future hang in the balance, feeling obliged to help her through this, thinking that i have to , to the best of my ability, to persuade her and encourage her to live and be strong. I did this when i was 8 , 9 , 10 ,. 11 , 12 ,etc to present. I felt that it rested upon me to stop her from killing herself. I remember soem times when we have fights, she would go into that mode again and feel like she failed as a mother, and i would never get a chance to say my peace while she would vent her troubles on me. After all that i would go to my room, some times when she's not done she'd shout from outside.. and some times.. when its over.. she would slip notes under my door.. A farewell note. Always telling me how she loved me, how she wants me to carry on after she leaves, how to be strong, and it was always with a date written, and signed off with a "love, mama" .I would be so worried and i would go to her room and lay next to her just to make sure she was okay. All this is so frequent and after the 1st few times i would have the mentality that she'd be okay in the morning. But when im in my room, falling asleep, i would hear the slide of paper against the floor into my room and i would go crazy just thinking. Thinking what she wrote on that piece of paper even though i already knew. Thinking that what if this time something really did happen. FIghting my own anger and giving in to check in on her because i was so goddamned scared to lose her that way. And that i know if something did happen it would also be partly my fault. So i would get out of bed and go to her room. Some times it would be locked and i would knock or just try to figure out if she was okay in there. I'd say i was sorry or just try to talk to her from outside.. her responding , regardless of wadever she says, would give me relief. Because at least she was okay.
I remember lying on my bed just thinking and worrying that tomorrow would not be the same. And my mind would go from there...
I remember growing up angry, i threw alot of fits, didnt have that many friends, was very short tempered. I was just an angry person and I didnt know why. I felt like shit and i didnt know why. When i got into secondary 1, i barely attended school at all. I would be absent 4 days or even 5 days a week. Teachers would talk about me, my classmates would come over to my house. A few times i had the teacher cometo my room to persuade me to go to school.. even my classmates came over DURING SCHOOL PERIODS to ask me to go. And i just refused. I was SO AGAINST going and i had no idea why. I jus didnt want to. after 4-5months of this i dropped out. Of course, during these times my mum would be so frustrated with me. In the morning she would wake up for school and i would just lay in bed. Some times she would ask me with concern "why?" and i would answer because i had no answer. I didnt know why myself. Sometimes she would be mad and jus try to force to me go.. Sometimes i felt like she asked me why just to get me over it so i would go.. and i would have so many talks and so many arguments ...... It would just really rough... even compared to everything else it was one of the roughest times. I also got heat from my brothers.. my eldest bro in particular.. I mean..you would expect your family to be there for you in your darkest hours, my mine, didnt seem to care much. They just wanted me to go to school, bottom line. They didnt want to know why and so their angle of making me go to school was misguided. And it made me feel worse when i already felt just the lowest of my low.
During my drop out days.. THere were so many .. many many unbelieveably low days. I would actually compare sometimes.. like i would think "and i thought tt was my lowest.. this is.." I would cry almost every night of the month .. which is ALOT of crying. And i wouldnt let anyone see it. I still hung out with friends but they didnt know i had dropped out.. So i was faking conversations on school.I told them eventually.. And you start to realise the people you can count on..
I started to listen to music more.. and i would get the lyrics.. And it gave me the words to describe feelings i couldnt explain. And it grew on me. This was where i began to find myself again.. music.. really helped me. I felt like it was my true best friend. Like it was all i needed. I started writing on a journal, I wrote pages and pages mostly late at night.. i cried each time but after it was all down i felt so relieved.. And i also realised why i was so angry, why i was so hurt and where it all started.. And yeah, there was alot of resentment and bitterness and i would get even crankier at times.. but ultimately it helped.. i made sense of things. After 2 years i went back to school.
There are so many times i've repressed myself from saying what i needed to say to her. The times when she is lucid and stable and is like her oldself, i always thought of coming forward and telling her everything. Its just that it runs the risk of her falling back into that 'mode' again. And i didnt want to ruin a good thing.. It was always this struggle to keep her 'happy' for as long as possible. Its hard when i was always the only one there for her. It always fell on me and it didnt help when my grandparents or whoever would ask me to look after her and be good to her and all of that. It hurt even more because they DO KNOW what state she is in and they cared enough for her to want her to be okay but they didnt think of how it would all affect me.. I know how much it all affected me ... and i feel betrayed that they'd would give me to this responsibility. I mean .. How dare you?!?!...
Over the years... especially the last 3 years, it been better.. these moes have been less frequent.. but it does still happen. and when it does its worse than ever before.. and it hits me harder.. and i still get choked up. Sometimes i feel so goddamn angry when it happens because i cant believe it is still going on. After almost 9 fucking years. I lived through it already. Just to still be LIVING in it... gets me.
I have tried so many ways and i have tried not to care so many times. i have tried distancing myself.. i dont know what the hell to do. The most REAL, as in really THE BIGGEST argument we had recently.. after the usual shouting i started telling her, as best i could about what she ahd been doing and how to change her life and again i gave it my all into this. Again i was giving my heart into this pep talk. and like what she does over and over she just shot down everything i had to say. The feeling of having your efforts and your heart and soul just shot down in that way was AGAIn, painful as hell.. She just wouldnt listen. And i still tried.. I continued trying to get my words in for over an hour even when she asked me to stop. Even when i was crying .
Towards the end.. i told her she owed me. She owed me my childhood. She owed me A LOT. And that she cant just try to kill herself because I DESERVED MORE from her. I didnt and DONT deserve all this... MESS. I am so sick of her whining and i told her why i dont respect her , why i resent her. ANd her reply, in her delirious state , was that she wont ask for my respect.. ... ... She doesnt get what i want. She doesnt get my point. I want her to fight for redemption. I dont want some apology and her asking for my forgiveness because its TOO LITTLE TOO LATE. I want her to want to fight for my forgiveness to SHOW ME change. to SHOW ME something better in the future. To work to better herself.To seek redemption. That's how i would respect her. No one wants to resent their own mother..No one wants to look at their own mother this way.. But i cant help it... And it really really STINGS.
But right now, things are good. They're good..not because what i said got in, no.. it didnt.. i ran away from home after that.. it was during my exams actually.. on a sunday.. i didnt speak to her for about a month. Right now.. 2 months passed.. i mean things are good now.. we talk and laugh.. its how it is when things are good..
This is different though.. I feel like this time things are actually great.. Its been SO MUCH better than the good times before... WHich is AMAZING.....
But then about 3/4 days ago.. she told me about the lump she felt on the side of her chest and .... lately i just . i Just cant accept that if it is something serious, just the thought of losing her nOW? NOW? I still havent said ALL i wanted to say. I still havent forgiven her I KNOW i am still very angry even though right at the moment i dont feel it. It still comes when i think of certain things. And i cant believe that it would be like that..Its too much. And even though i am farely experienced to almost losing her... This new threat .. if it is indeed a threat.. Its different. It might REALLY be IT.
And im discovering a whole new level of scared. A completely new level of fear and hopelessness and confusion and................... It is too much.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
11:16 AM
Omg!! I cant wait for Borat's movie.. titled
Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Country Of Kazakhstan. LOL.. u guys should check out the trailer.. HILARIOUS!!
The movie film opened in the US and A and grossed 26mil in the 1st week.. wawawiwo!
Borat Quotes:
Jagshemash! My name-uh Borat,I journalist for Kazakhstan. My government send me to US and A to make a movie film. Please, you look.
This is Natalia *makes out* She is my sister, she number 4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan! Nice!
This suit is black.... .......... ............ NOT!!!!!
*Girls walks past* Very nice. How much?
Borat:(Lady next to him)This is your wife?
Man: No. That's my wife (points 2 end of table)
Borat: In my country they would go crazy for this two(2 ladies beside him) ... not so much..(points to Man's wife)
Please you come see my film, if it not success, I will be execute
Lol... hilarious!!!!
Friday, December 01, 2006
10:23 AM
Lately my relationship with my mum has been.. tension-free..
Whenever it is this way I'll always cherish that becos i noe that it wouldnt last that long.. Well its still good right now..
Only that last night she told me she felt a little lump on her side. I checked it and yeh. There is this hump, about the size of my two thumbs. She told me it hurt sometimes.. i dont know when shes going for that check-up..and whatever it may be..
And I'm thinking that we have so much that is left unsaid. So much that has to be cleared up. And even though I dont feel it now I know i have a hell of alot of bitterness and resentment towards her. Just the things that had happened.. and still going on these days...I just have alot to say to her.. On all these things and I never had becos I know that there will be alot of pain and hurt involved.. even though there might be resolve at the end I just never bothered to stir something up by saying anything.
I thought I had the time to wait till I'm ready..
And now my mind is spinning and I'm thinking of all these different scenarios in the future... And it scares me. I know its premature but it could be true.. I feel so in over my head and i dont know what to do.. If it turns out that that 'lump' is not benign...........
And last night i let her kiss me.. which i never let her do..
Oh this is so weird....
"2 AM and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.
But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
So cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe, just breathe"
-Sylvia