kopisux

2009-01-06T18:57:00.003+08:00

Oh Fuck this.
I'm not an addict, I'm sure.
But all i keep thinking about boils down to two things:
Sex and booze.
I keep dreaming up these relationships with people.
And the fucked up thing?
They end with me cheating on whoever I'm with.
Even more fucked up?
It's always torrid and dark. And I like that. I get high on that.
I want to get wasted (Where the alcohol comes in..)
So I wouldn't think of all these things. For a while.
Or I wouldn't care that I have these desires.
I don't think I even want all these things.
I really just have the urge to fuck up my life and not care.
Just let it be fucked.
Just for a little while.
But I know I can't.
I can't afford to be a wreck
Even though the thought of it is so
Overwhelmingly compelling.
So I've taken up running.
It stops me from wanting to kill my life - figuratively.
Sometimes it makes me feel better
And I suppose I'll lose weight too.
I also need to keep myself busy.
I've been calling up some people
So I'll be busy most of the week
Which means I'll probably be okay this week.

That's all.

2008-12-17T22:45:00.006+08:00

The Hipster Mom

Dear blog, it is not to be believed. My mother is a hipster.
I discovered this sad fact when we went out today.
Blog, she spoke of Twilight, of Facebook and of Shisha.
And..

We went to friggin Arab Street! Fucking Haji Lane! (What in the name of Emily Haines, right?)
Well she refused to shisha but she sucked on Tulang - that fucking awful bone marrow thing. I don't know if that makes her more hardcore or just disgusting. =/.

Then she stopped in front of a shop selling baskets and boxes.
"You should bring your grandfather here, he'd like it."
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....WTF
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

This is my grandfather, btw. The one in the middle.

Like. Part. of. the. fucking. mob. sia.

Three generations of hipsters.
Arlowepicfail, I think i win.

Last Saturday..

2008-12-11T18:36:00.003+08:00

Last Saturday..

Yes.

More when I feel like writing.

KOK NIGHT REVIVAL

2008-11-26T22:54:00.004+08:00

OMA GAWD.
THIS IS THE KOKKEST VIDEO EVER.
IT WAS 4 AM (ACCORDING TO TAINA)
WE WERE KOKKING OUT (YES, LEGIT TERM) TO EMINEM.
KEEP IN MIND THAT I GOT DRUNK 7 HOURS BEFORE THIS AND I WAS STILL SIPPING SMIRNOFF & 7UPS UP TO THIS POINT.
NOT. MY. FAULT.
IT. WASN'T. ME.
DO. NOT. JUDGE.

P.S.: This was part of the Kok Night, November 15th 2008.

2008-11-21T16:12:00.006+08:00

Gah. Things have been rough.
Would it be terribly pathetic if I said a single email, an email that wasn't even meant for me, an email that I didn't even read thoroughly, was enough to mess me up and plague my brain for two weeks now?

It's not even about the damn email. It was the very mention of the Sender. Just there. In plain sight. Too easy. Not even trying. But how is it that I haven't had to see it all this time? Has this been going on all along and I - by chance - happened to come upon it? In other words, how the fuck long have I been dumb to it?

Worse, my mind wanders into the house of possibilities and scenarios of all that could happen.

I can't pry it off of my head. It is just there. It follows me to the shower, sits next to me on the train, badgers me at night when I try to get to sleep.

What is this shit.
I need to stop.
So tired of thinking.
I rather spend a day with the medsoc woman. Tis that bad.

"Still things could be much worse
Natural disasters on the evening news."

I think I need my best friend.
Or a Smirnoff.

2008-11-18T22:46:00.005+08:00

Met Jo after she was done working today. Did a delivery for the first time to some motor industrial building nearby.
Scary ass place. I. Am. So. Glad. I. Didn't. Go. Alone.
Whadda fuck. It was so TWILIGHT...
zone.

First of all, we went in by the back way where it seemed all the mechanics and engineering stuff took place. So we had to take the cargo lift. But suddenly there were all these people there getting on the lift. Like random people you'd see at the mall - the regular uncles, aunties, bengs and lians, teens and 20 somethings. IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

Then we got on and some dude at the buttons asked which floor we were heading.
I said "7", and he was like "Do you mind if we go to the 5th floor first?"
Jo and me, with gaping mouths, "Huh.. Okay.."
I asked, "Why?"
"The lift can only go to one floor at a time."
Jo went, "Okay." Like she got it immediately. Which made me even more confused.
"Wait, huh? (pause) Can only press one button or wad?"
"Ya."
"?!?!?!"

And then EVERYONE GOT OFF at the 5th floor.
THE WHOLE MOB.
All the uncles and aunties, the bengs, and the 20 somethings went out, leaving us 2 in the huge kok lift.
Who the fuck were these peeople?! Why were they there?! None of them were dressed for work! A couple of Aunties had shopping bags. WHAT is on the 5th floor?!
I MUST KNOW.

The seventh floor seemed like an abandoned storey where the mafia would chain someone to a chair and light them on fire. Or where druggies would meet their dealers, =) in which case we'd have a location to shoot for our AP.
So anyway, there were 2 locked doors and we thought we had it wrong until the Evan man opened one for us to reveal an immaculately white, true to form office. With plants and cubicles and everything. We entered a new dimension.

God, the place was creepy. It is limbo. *whispers* LIIIMMMBBOOO.

EVAN, DON'T YOU EVER ORDER FROM US AGAIN.

Seriously, where the fuck did all the people go?

2008-11-17T23:01:00.004+08:00

Remember, remember the 15th of November
The Night of Kokness
and Smirnoff with root beer

Hahaha. The plan was to go to Weekend Trip with Taina and act untouchable to the 2 kok people there. The plan was to get to the Party of The Year afterwards and meet cute boys (Bryan for me, i guess Casey/KCI? for Taina??? HAHA or Hat boy. But wait. No. I have Shan.. and Irene.). The plan was to get wasted. The plan was for this day - this epic, epic day - to rule over all the previous days of November.

The plan was NOT to sit on gritty floor off to the side and get pissed on the second fuggin drink while the KOK band played. Maybe I needed something to numb me.
The plan was NOT to stumble into room and act crazy in front of the KOK couple.
We were NOT supposed to go to the "5pm-to-8am-PARTY-OF-THE-YEAR" at 1am and find 30 people there. We were supposed to actually ATTEND the party.. but really, why would we have done that then?
But i did get smashed.. tee hee.

Fuck i swear i cannot remember parts of the night. I know i laughed a lot. And I also know Taina laughed at me a lot. And we tortured Mok on skype till 2am. And put Shan through a worse ordeal till 4.15am I think. Then i couldn't get to sleep so I was just grinning in the dark. Which was creepy even for me. It was all very weird.

I don't know what we did the next day. Half was spent in Taina's room. 2-3hours at Macdonalds opp Parkway Parade. Waiting. For. Shan. Cos. He. Went. To. Marina Square. And after giving him more directions to Parkway..
Shan: Hey I'm across from the Macdonald's now.
Sylvia: Ok.
Click.
Shan: I think I'm lost.
Sylvia: *spasmed* Huh? Where are you?
Shan: At the Macdonald's.. (smth smth) Dhoby Ghaut behind me.
Sylvia: *speechless for 4 seconds* Uh okay. Can I call you back in a min?
*SPASMED*
(Was it cos of PARK MALL!?!?!?)

Went to the ZOuk flea market which was kinda O_O.
People.
Had talk. Important talk. Weird talk. Good talk.
Then went home.
I died in bed.
Fuck i was up for 39hours.

OH OH!!!

THE GIRL IS REAL.
THE GIRL IS REAL!!!
SHE REAL!!
SHE WAS STANDING THERE!!
SHE IS TANGIBLE. I COULD SLAP HER AND IT WOULD MAKE CONTACT.
A REAL GIRL!!!
It made me so happy. And this was before I got drunk. =).

There was the socks thing also.

I couldn't fucking stop laughing.

2008-11-02T16:13:00.001+08:00

Hallllllooooooooooo Betch!!!!!

2008-10-28T15:55:00.003+08:00

This will be retarded and annoying: Writing surreptitiously.

Here goes. I see a pattern and I know that this will go in one of two ways. In which,
I either wimp out or I wimp out.
But it'll lead to two very very different paths, each sprouting little branches with their little thorns and leaves like baobobs have and... this is getting out of point.
*waves the air of stupid metaphor away*
The first form of cowardice will be carried out in the traditional sense. I run screaming.
The latter form.. is like Coward Incognito. I put on a mask of Brave and take on whatever comes up like its nothing. A brave surplus. Only.. it isn't real bravery. No. It's Fake one. Cause the part where I "take on whatever comes up" is really just me yielding to every bidding.

HAHA.. This is bad. It's two polar opposites and I can't decide because I want to be in the FUCKING MIDDLE! LIKE JIMMY EAT WORLD MIDDLE. This is driving me nuts! I'm bipolar! ... Omg this shit is making me do a bad play on words.

For shame!

And why is it that I always feel good until I start writing stuff out and I realise that no, things are not all good?

[5 minutes pass as I think of what to say next. Really. I'm not kidding.]

Uh, now I actually don't feel so bad about it anymore so you can forget the dramatics..
HAHA I MOST FICKLE GIRL EVER.
FUCK. Is there an ADD for feelings?

Routine Update :
School has been ---------------------.
WORK has been ---...---...--....................--.
Yesterday, work was --^^^^^--..--^^^^^^-----.

When it's my moment in the sun/Oh, how beautiful I'll be/but in a normal sort of way/Like I am you and you are me

2008-10-25T17:03:00.004+08:00

"We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it.

The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely.

All art is quite useless." - Oscar Wilde

2008-10-23T19:46:00.003+08:00

wah wtf.
wtf wtf wtf wtf. Just the past 2 days... What the heck happened sia.
And today was emotionally insane for me but then everything resolved within the day so it's like nothing even happened. It ANNOYS me on some level to know that. It's as though I got frazzled and shit for nothing...! Even the thing with boy...

I'm like trying to go "yay" but I hadn't gotten rid of my anger yet so I feel stuck. It's like being hungry when you're constipated. Uh-oh.

And so what next? Broken nose? Shard of glass in my ass? Madonna adopts me?
And Don said "Oh don't worry, [getting bird dropping on yourself] means good luck!"
WHAT DO U CALL TODAY?! HUH?! HUH? HUH?!!

I'd much rather have licked a mouldy rock than go through this.

Hear hear!

You are the girl that I've been dreaming of/Ever since I was a little girl..

2008-10-10T22:07:00.002+08:00

It's 10.10pm. Geh. Turning 19 in less than 2 hours. I've been pretty tired today from having to get to school at the ungodly hour of 11am. And since I've gotten home 3 hours ago, I've been stuffing myself with fried fish snack thingies from Indonesia (I think it's fish O.O) and umpteen pictures of Regina Spektor (so far have gone through 18 of 24 pages).

Tra la la...

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

2008-10-09T16:03:00.003+08:00

ehm.. got nothing to do for the next 30mins. [From this alone you know this will be a crap post ;). ]

Listening to The Shins now.

been alone since you were 21
you haven't laughed since January
you try and make like this is so much fun
but we know it to be quite contrary
La la la la la la la

They're one of the best. =). Solid lyrics to happy tunes. Makes me go wheeeee.

Cool I've wasted 3minutes.

Hmm. Oh I'm heading out to work. Actually it's more like volunteering free labour cos I'm only going there to practise my failed drinks. Hopefully I don't have to serve many customers. Yes. I am petty. Only because I've made many such trips over there to do the exact same thing about 3 or 4 times now. That was back when I didn't mind cause I thought, "Hey, this is good practice for my bar test." Ga ha ha ha.. Silly banana.
Alas! Failure has made me cold. Bitter, like the Bien Tze Huang powder I force down my throat to soothe my tummyache.

.
.
.

Seriously, I love The Shins.

Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth
only, i don't know how they got out, dear
turn me back into the pet i was when we met
i was happier then with no mind-set

2008-10-07T14:24:00.002+08:00

Brevity is the soul of wit. Alas, I have no such talent.
God, I've been in a ragged mood lately..

I failed my bar test in EPIC proportions. 2 of my drinks were underweight, and because I needed a 100% for this part of the test, I'll have to retake it on Sunday. And the part that keeps nipping at me is that they were 2 very basic drinks - tall Latte and a Caffe Mocha. WTF!!!

So then after the other drinks were completed, I started doing customers' orders (still part of the test). It started out fine cause I was making 1/2drinks at a time. Then came the torrential slush. Okay I'm exaggerating. But yeah. 3 frapp drinks, 2 bar drinks, 1 blended juice drink. The whole lace was a fucking mess. I couldn't think straight. I pulled shots before I steamed the milk, then cursed myself immediately. Then the temperature of the milk wasn't within required range yet because our verismo isn't functioning properly, so I hit the manual button and WOOPISH. MILK AND FOAM BLEW ALL OVER THE MACHINE. I only found out later that the pitcher needs to be held closer to the wand when I hit the Manual button. So honest mistake there. But it freaked me out and it all went downhill from there. Oh and this whole time another manager - who scares the shit out of me - was observing intently. And I could just feel his anger growing with every mistake I made.

And I committed many sins. Screwed up the same drink twice (so made I it three times). neglected to clean the Steam wand and push it back into place (I was much aware of that, I just thought I'd move on to make the other drinks first then clean it later but that wasn't protoccol =(. ) Screwed up the juice drink because I thought it was marked RFJ, but then it was RPJ. =/. I failed to recall the drinks to customers. This needs a bit of explaining. When you're passing the drink to a customer you're supposed to repeat their drink to them in full. So instead of Mocha Frappucino, it's Tall Mocha Frappucino Ice Blended Coffee. I'm okay with that except when its a cream based drink i get tongue tied. Like Tall No whip Chocolate Cream Chip Frappucino Ice blended Cream. It's not that difficult. I suppose it's just me.

So amidst the spilling, the panicking, and the blending... I overheard the 2 managers talking in chinese and something like "Ru guo shi wo, wo hui bao zha". And I was like Oh Fuck. After the EPIC fail, I got a ten minute break. DIDN'T want to talk to anyone or see their faces. So I just sat down at the corner outside, milk stained shirt (YES I WAS AWARE OF THE FUCKING IRONY), bangs sticky with Frap Mix, listening to Ms Spektor, thinking of what a screw up I was.

The thing is, IT IS REALLY NOT ALL THAT HARD. I JUST HAPPENED TO FUCK IT UP.

But I got over it pretty quickly - thanks to the therapeutic conveyance of washing the dishes - and all I have to do is have a retest. I'm just mad at myself for being such a massive idiot. And when a friend told me "maybe this just isn't your thing", it made me feel like a stupid fuck cos.. How stupid can someone be when they can't even do this right?

SO I have to do this. Because I have to know.

2008-09-30T12:23:00.003+08:00

This is random. Just felt like posting lyrics for now cos they've been stuck in my head..

Cold War Kids - Passing The Hat

Look up from the hymnal, look 'round at the faces of families closing their eyes
We're taking Communion and passing the offering hat around at the same time

I reached for the hat and take all the cash
And slide it into my ragged coat sleeve
And leave in its place a note to explain
All of the reasons that stealing has led me to leave
If there was a worthy cause for to give to
May I be so bold as to say
The givers not knowing where their money's going
Is as sinful as throwing away

Stained glasses shine on my red wine
And the sweat of my brow drips to my shaking knees
A small sacrifice to benefit one man's journey away from America's seas

Sweet sweet sigh of relief
Sweet sweet O Baltic Sea
Sweet sweet sigh of relief
Sweet sweet O Baltic Sea
Sweet sweet sigh of relief
Sweet sweet O Baltic Sea

Nobody here knows my name
Call it right or wrong
I bought my ticket just the same

2008-09-15T21:41:00.000+08:00

2008-09-14T23:11:00.003+08:00

Oh. My. God.
How could I forget..
Well, actually i can understand why i did.
That night at the BBQ..
In the ladies' toilet..
Myself and girl 2..
Had our sights assaulted.
Because out of nowhere
An OLD woman came out of the shower cubicle
Butt naked.
Like.. BAM!
Full frontal.
Arm's length away.
And with kedongdongs just hanging out there,
"Ni ke yi bang wo kuan men ma?"
She was referring to the main door

I was like "O_O WHAT THE...." We were SOOO OUTTA THERE man..
HAHAHAHA.. Had me in stitches..
Ironically, my recollection was triggered while i was taking a shower.

2008-09-14T00:30:00.002+08:00

OKay finally got myself to do this. Which sounds bad - like i forced myself to do it. Okay whatever, I'll just get to it. I'm tired.

Tuesday's BBQ was hilarious because of all the drunks. But in the name of discretion i will not name names. Haha I don't know why but I didn't feel like getting wasted. I drank quite a lot too but with a mindful pace, so i was just in this really sweet subdued state all night. So I was probably one of the few who were relatively sober (me, Lamont, Mag, Mok?).

Some scenes/quotes I remember:

Girl 1:Sylvia.I wanna get drunk. I'm not drunk. I'm still coherent.
Me: That's what you all say. You are drunk!
Girl 1:Well, not like that! (points to girl 2, who's leaning on the pole swaying herself form side to side. We are arm's length away and she is completely oblivious. Just.. blissfully swaying about.)

Girl 1 was worried that her mom might smell alcohol on her breath ... i think we might've been talking about vomitting or smth..
Girl 1: (shouts across pool) Lamont! Do you have Listerine?
Lamont: Mouthwash ah?
Girl 1: Yeah.
Girl 3: (to Lamont) DUH!! What else is there?! (pauses, turns to me) Listerine only got mouthwash right?

Classic man.

haha then Girl 2 went into the carpark and a group of us went looking for her. That was quite a spectacle, with the different towers and all. We called and she said she's on the top floor, at the pool.
(later, after we got her out of the carpark)
Girl 2: Sylvia... I want to sleep in the carpark.
Me: No, you can't.
Girl 2: Why not? The carpark is nice.

Girl 2: 2 + 2 = 4. See? I'm not drunk.
Me: What's 4 + 2?
Girl 2: 6! See?
Me: Okay. What's 6 x 18?
Girl 2: What..? I bet you don't even know that!
Me: 108.
Girl 2: Dammit!

Oh, girl 2 i love you. You are so funny when you're drunk. You wanted to drink pool water after you washed your feet in it. You say the trippiest things. I remember u said a lot of witty stuff but i can't really recall now. Haha.. you're awesome. =).

I cant really remember much more .. actually i do. I m just too lazy to type la haha.
I do know that i was happily sedated that evening. Reminded me of those migraine pills, but 10x better. =). I made two new friends there.. Hennesy and Tia Maria. Whiskey is pretty bad so no.. Not a friend. Oh and as hard as it was, what with the sweet smell of chicken satay wafting about, I stayed pescetarian!! I truly thought i'd break that night.. so woohoo! I am not as weak as I seem! And FYI , I am still pescetarian.. almost 4 weeks running now =).

Yay. Now i have an account of the bbq. I can stop here.

2008-09-08T16:27:00.003+08:00

This is the little boy with grass hair. I named him Joe.
'

And these are the latest pics of my kat.

I think she wants out.

2008-09-07T21:13:00.002+08:00

Cold War Kids.. awesommmeeeeeeeeeee.
I know i could EXTRICATE (haha one of my euphemisms for the D, and sometimes R, word) the video via windows and all but i'm pretty lazy.. so maybe next time.

2008-09-02T20:53:00.003+08:00

YESSSSSSSSSS!!!! Joreen (I LOVE YOU) bought the Regina shirt for me online last night. AHHHH! I can't wait! Though it's gonna take forever. By one friend's estimated guess : 3 weeks. By Jojo's, its about 4-6weeks. ^*&#^#&5&365537573657 GABBAGABBA!

NOOOOOOOOO!!!! I just found out the BBQ is gonna be on the 9th. Huda called me yesterday to say that my training's gonna start on the 9th, and it's probably at night. Then I re-checked my email and guess what? The F-ing workshop falls on the 9th.
.
.
.
Absospectaculutely Awesome.

- Oh, an incurable humanist you are.

2008-08-31T22:54:00.004+08:00

In the spirit of High Fidelity - a gem of a movie I can't believe I haven't seen until today -, I'll list out my tops 5s..

Top 5 songs I'd want played at my funeral:

You Can't Always Get What You Want - Rolling Stones
Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel
Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
The Trapeze Swinger - Iron & Wine
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

Gawd that was really difficult. Songs that unfortunately didn't make it in:
November Rain, Mr Tambourine Man, That Time, Samson, Redemption Song, The Blower's Daughter, A Great Big Sled............ so much more.
Doesn't mean i favor them any less than the songs in the list.. Just that the top 5 songs are most befitting. But realistically, since it's my damn funeral, I can have as many songs as I damn well please.. =). But that list would be waaaay too long. (If i was Jewish and went through the Shivas then it'd be okay cause then i'd get to play 148hours of music.)

Ok I just have too much time on my hands, hence the list.

See ya..

2008-08-30T14:06:00.003+08:00

Gosh, Cold War Kids got a new single out off their latest album. Love the sound. The Kids are awesome! Can't wait for the record to be released.. Damn. In the mean-mean, meanwhile i'm just going keep putting their songs on repeat. Wish i could buy their album here. But oh well, just gonna have to start saving up and buy it online.

Speaking of money... I was told that I'd start my Starbucks training in September. I'm hoping EARLY September cos it would be REALLY sweet if i could get some dough. Like now. My friends have been badgering her (person responsible) about my training date, which worries me a little because it might seem like I told them to do that, and that I am like this annoying overly enthusiastic piece of shit. And when i suck at my job, which i will for reasons unknown to anyone else, it's gonna look bad for me. Like "Okay, she pestered me for this job but she can't even do it? What a dumb bitch."

...

OOH! Ms Spektor has been working on her next record too and she said she'll try to get it out before '09. So there! My absolute favorite artist and my favorite band are dropping new records soon. Me happy... *goofy grin* =).

And like someone with ADD... I'm gonna leap into a completely unrelated topic.

I won my bet!! HAH! In. Your. Face.
I lasted 5 days without meat. 5 torturous days. 120hours. 7200minutes without meat.
Uh huh.. thank you.
I realised i couldn't eat Subway sandwiches the way i used to. Can't just point at anything and ask for 2 of it (thanks Jocelyn). No burgers or the like. No satays. But it really wasn't that bad. Which leaves me with this perturbing dilemma.

See, i love animals and i want to cry each time i see one being slaughtered but i like meat as well. As guilty as i feel, sometimes i think it's just the order of nature; survival of the fittest; the strong kills the weak. And i suppose we are somewhere at the top of that food chain. Man.. we are evil.

It's gonna be a big commitment but i think it's right. So i'll try. I'll try to be a vegetarian.
No, i do not think it is silly. No, it does not hurt my nutrition. And no, this is not about wanting to lose weight - i can eat french fries,chips, ice-cream, and cake.. Hello?

Tomorrow I will march over to Subway and order the veggies delight , or whatever it is they call it.

2008-08-28T20:56:00.002+08:00

I found many new songs these 2 days.

Catherine Feeny : First heard her in Running With Scissors. After many many plays of Mr Blue, I decided to sample some of her other stuff. I'm liking it a lot so far.
"You sucked my blood, he left me iron-poor and pale" - Brilliant.

Coldplay: Haha. Have always intended to get my hands on their latest single but alas, the queen of procrastination. So i checked out their myspace for the very first time and i got a free download off one of the tracks. The coldplaying made me remember how much I used to love them. I guess that kind of faded because the last album wasn't as resonating to me as the others. The lyrics didn't do much for me either. But now that i've rediscovered them... it's feels nice. Like an old friend.

The Bird and The Bee: Haha i only have this one song but i think its awesome. Do it again do it again.. I could get stoned to this.

Imogen Heap: 3 words. Mmmm, whatchu say...

We Are Scientists: OOh this song, I adore. Heard it while watching Penelope. Interesting movie, enticing song. The words are clearly English, it's just that i can't make out what they're saying beneath that accent. They remind me of Mew's She Came Home For Christmas.

John Mayer: Oh gawd FINALLY the version i've been looking for.
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The waking up is the hardest part."

Celine Dion: Kay i don't listen to her at all, but her version of Ave Maria, i just had to have. It is haunting and paralyzing.

Miss Spektor!: Hahaha. Best for last. Oh how i love her. It's insane how much i love her.
"Then I turned around the corner
And I dropped another dollar
Just in case the street needed some more cash

In the end
I made it home
With nothing in my pockets
Except some cigarettes
And some stones " - what can I say to THAT?

P.S: Another band i've recently come to love is DeVotchKa. Inspiring.

2008-08-28T19:11:00.002+08:00

What do you get, when you have...

A girl with fallaciously endless time to spare - money?

A girl who blogs.

That is why i'm here now =).

I'll begin with a quick update: I am now a vegetarian.
It started with my friend declaring that he wouldn't eat meat for the rest of his life. So like any normal friend, I said, "You won't last one meal." So it became this whole repertoire of "Yes I can" and "You cannot make it". Eventually that led to this bet. Neither of us can eat meat for .. however long it takes until someone (not me) caves. The loser has to treat the other to a meal somehwere NOT lan pok and where meat is in abundance. I was feeling pretty confident. Like, "Yeah I can go 3 months without meat." It's been 4 days. I AM DYING HERE.

I really hope he slips. I really do.This sucks. I went to a bakery and i couldn't get anything without meat that wasn't a pastry. What about the vegetarians and the diabetics people? What kind of world do we live in? This is insane. I am bored.

2008-08-21T23:02:00.002+08:00

Unthinkable is what came to mind while i was watching An American Crime.
Ellen Page played Sylvia Likens - the name alone drew me into the story.
Her parents left her and her sister at a stranger's house for a few months so they could go on tour with the carnival. Oh yes, they're carnival people. And technically, it wasn't a stranger but they met her for like 5 minutes. The woman, desperate, offered to take care of the children in return for money.

Man, the shit that went on in that house made me SICK. I was like, "FUCK!!"
I saw it with my mom too and she said she would kill them all. She was referring to all Gertrude (said woman) and her .. was it 6 or 8 children of hers (?)
I realised a lot of things from soc pysch came up. ( See? I WAS listening during lectures. ) How people behave when deindividuation occurs (the perks of being part of a group). How, under authority, people would commit heinous acts. How people reset their attitudes to go in parallel with the things they do (they 'punished' Sylvia because she was a 'liar and a slut'. Deluded religious pricks.). And finally, the most important thing that soc psych has taught me... People are stupid fucks.

The movie touches on quite a few issues but mainly focuses on the psychology of people within these contexts. CON ISSUES has also rubbed off on me. Dammit. I'm a good student.

Oh and FYI, the movie was based on a true story which makes it so much more disturbing.

2008-08-20T15:16:00.000+08:00

Well I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship
Bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease
I'm sure when I'm older I'll know what that means
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Here's to the man with his face in the mud
And an overcast play just taken away
From the lover's in love at the centre of stage, yeah

Loving is fine if you have plenty of time
For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind
Loving is good if your dick's made of wood
But the dick left inside only half understood her

What makes her come?
What makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away yeah
What makes him stall, what makes him stand
And what shakes the elephant now
And what makes a man?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know you any more
No, no, no, no...

I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause shes only just gone
Why the fuck is this day taking so long
I was a lover of time when once she was mine
I was a lover indeed, I was covered in weed
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Well closer to god is the one who's in love
And I walk away cause I can
Too many options may kill a man

Loving is fine if it's not in your mind
But I've fucked it up now, too many times
Loving is good if it's not understood
Yeah, but I'm the professor
And feel that I should know

What makes her come and what makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away and
What makes him tick apart from his prick
And the lonelier side of the jealousy stick
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
Hell I don't know you any more
No, no, no no...

Well I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship
Bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease
I finished it off with some French wine and cheese

La fille danse
Quand elle joue avec moi
Et je pense que je l'aime des fois
Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc
Quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots
Sur la petite dodo

2008-08-15T21:05:00.003+08:00

The following is a poem entitled One Art by Elizabeth Bishop.
It's one that has stuck with me for a few years and I've just thought of it again.

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

2008-08-13T15:24:00.008+08:00

Dear blog,

I lost my TV today. Well, not today, some days ago. Actually, i'm not sure when but it was somewhere in the near past. I was too busy doing whatever it is i do to notice it being gone. The day we got our new TV we pushed the other one aside and it was just sitting there in front of Kat's sleeping area. I took pictures of the both of us then. I wanted it in my room but it was too bulky and my room is too small. =(.

Kat loved it too.

I miss you, old TV. My mom told me you've been with us for 15 years. That would make me 3 years old when we first met! I loved how you fit in our living room, within that fireplace looking area. Now a skinny betch with better picture resolution and colour has taken your place. Do not fear. For you will always be in our (Kat and me) hearts. We will always have those memories.. The times when i'd walk over to you to check out the reflection of my shoes before i stepped out of the house. That brief moment where we moved you to your last place, and i sat on you. Kat was all over you too, scratching your back and all. That was a happy time.

I do not know when you left, old TV. But at least we had our moment.

R.I.P. , old TV.

P.S.: I got the inspiration from Fred.

2008-08-13T11:58:00.002+08:00

It's the Hols!!! (Starting 2 days ago) First semester of Mass Comm is OVAA. Hahaha. Now i've got about 9 weeks till school starts again so I've been thinking of things to fill it up with.

1: Work. I got through to Starbucks already but that LADY hasn't called mey yet~! I told her i could start on the 12th. It is now the 13th. And still no call. I think someone up there ain't doing their jobs. AHEM. Normally i like a disorganized mess, but this is just.. disorganized. (turn offffff) Ok. But the good thing is that I've got more time to rest! (though i don't need it) And i've made plans for the next couple of days but it's so precarious cos that lady might call me and be like, "Oh, you have to start tomorrow." And i'll be like, "FUCK YOU I MADE PLANS ALREADY! But okay loh."

2: Heatwave BBQ. This is another dubious one. I don't even know if there'll be one. But for now, I've volunteered to help cos the rest are busy. (haven't even contacted Taina/Elise) WE MUST HAVE THE BBQ!!!

3: I will be taking up ***** lessons! At least i hope i will. Gotta talk it over with my mom first. She'll be coming back to SG tomorrow.

4: GO OUT AND HAVE GAY OL DAYS

5: MAKE YIPPIE VIDEOS (haha i dont want to elaborate on this cos it hasn't happened yet. I need to talk it over with Timmy first.)

I don't think that's gonna fully fill up 9 weeks. But wtheck, it's a start. =)~.

2008-08-06T21:29:00.001+08:00

Summer in the city means cleavage, cleavage, cleavage
And I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I’ve been staying up and drinking in a late night establishment
Telling strangers personal things

Summer in the city, I’m so lonely lonely lonely
So I went to a protest just to rub up against strangers
And I did feel like coming but I also felt like crying
It doesn’t seem so worth it right now

And the castrated ones stand in the corner smoking
They want to feel the bulges in their pants start to rise
At the sight of a beautiful woman they feel nothing but
Anger, her skin makes them sick in the night nauseous, nauseous, nauseous

Summer in the city, I’m so lonely, lonely, lonely
I’ve been hallucinating you, babe, at the backs of other women
And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling
But there’s no recognition in their eyes

Oh summer in the city means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And don’t get me wrong, dear, in general I’m doing quite fine
It’s just when it’s summer in the city, and you’re so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

When it’s summer in the city
And you’re so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

2008-07-31T21:08:00.002+08:00

Today was okay - all in all. I went for Starbucks interview and i got in! HAHAHA VERY F-ING FUNNAY!

Okay so

Her: Before we start on the interview itself, i'm just gonna ask you questions about you. So i can get an idea of what you're like. Okay?
Me: Okay, sure.
Her: So tell me about yourself, anything, like where you're from, what your hobbies are or what your do in your free time..
Me: Uh.. I was born in Indonesia. I'm a quarter Indonesian...
Her:*looks pleasantly surprised* Oh. Okay.
Me: Yeah and my hobbies.. well i like to write.
Her: Write what?
Me: Uhm.. stuff. Like sometimes i just have stories in my head so i write them out.
Her: Oh cool! Okay. Cos you know, people write differently. Some people see a tree *she points to a nearby tree* and they just write a lot thing on it.
Me: Haha. Okay.

Her: What is your idea of excellent service?
Me: Uhm for me - as a customer -, i don't need people to smile at me. They just need to be nice or friendly. And patient. Cos sometimes i'm not sure what i want.
Her: Hmm friendly... so if they don't smile, what facial expressions do you think they should have to be friendly?
Me: They could always just make eye contact and speak in a pleasant tone.
*She seems to want to start a lecture on the importance of smiling 101.*
Me: (realising i cant get away with not smiling) But that's just for me lah. If i were the customer. It might be different for different people so i will smile.
Her: (pleased) Yeah.
(I HAVE TO SMILEEEEEE!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

Her: Can you describe any experiences, for example in school, where you felt very pressured and you had to multi-task?
Me: Yes. Uhm. I was rushing for an assignment due the next day. But the equipments weren't working. There was a lot of scurrying around. Though time was against us, we PERSEVERED. We did not let our emotions get in the way and we focused on completing the assignment. I think this shows how I am not one who gives up easily.

Her: What would you do if a customer was very unruly? Like she would complain and say the cappuccino sucks.
Me: I would ask her what is wrong with it, apologize, and then fix it/make it to her liking.
(Like fuck i will.)

Her: You seem like a very QUIET AND REFINED person.
Me: What? *HAHAHAHA*
(and this is after i told her i wore a bathrobe in sch all day, and after i did this thing that made her jump)
Her: Yeah. You said you like to write. So you seem like you're artistic, you know, can paint one *mimed painting on a canvas*, and play instruments.. So you seem like the quiet type.
Me: haha ok. But refined?
Her: Ya.
Me: (nods) Okay.

Her: Okay, I'm not saying this happens, but you never know. What if a customer asks for your number? And he kept going at it?
Me: Uhm. I'd say "No, I'm working." I would never give out my number. And if he persists then i'd just make him the coffee and not care.
(GET LOST BEFORE I THROW COFFEE BEANS AT YOU, OLD MAN!! or I'd give him directions to Hooters. But if he's cute.. then i just might.. ;). )

Haha. that's what i can remember. Quite retarded. But i got in! YAY haha.

I'll start training on the 12th of August!

2008-07-29T23:40:00.001+08:00

fall is here, hear the yell
back to school, ring the bell
brand new shoes, walkin blues
climb the fence, books and pens
i can tell that we are gonna be friends
yes i can tell that we are gonna be friends

walk with me, susie lee
through the park, and by the tree
we can rest upon the ground
and look at all the bugs we found
safely walk to school without a sound
we safely walk to school without a sound

well here we are, no one else
we walk to school all by ourselves
theres dirt on our uniforms
from chasing all the ants and worms
we clean up and now its time to learn
we clean up and now its time to learn

numbers letters, learn to spell
nouns and books, and show and tell
play time we will throw the ball
then back to class, through the hall
teacher marks our height against the wall
the teacher marks our height against the wall

we dont notice any time pass
cos we dont notice anything
we sit side by side in every class
the teacher thinks that i sound funny
but she likes it when you sing

tonight ill dream, in my bed
while silly thoughts, run through my head
of the bugs, and alphabet
and when i wake tomorrow ill bet
you and i will walk together again
cos i can tell that we are gonna be friends
yes i can tell that we are gonna be friends


I like this song. It's very sweet.. childhood sweethearts.. Sigh.
It also reminds me of Suzie Q. haha

2008-07-29T20:27:00.003+08:00

OK. I've actually got a lot to say but at the risk of boring myself I'll just talk about Friday.

Friday in theory was about 2 things: the last IS presentation & Splash.
We got an A for IS!! YAY!! That justified waking up at 6am although the thing was at 11. I love IS. It's probably the only A-able module. And I got As for every assignment, Woohoo!! But then I think about my other modules and then i wanna...

I had to kill time cos Splash was at 6. Somehow i did it. There was skyping and Yong Tau Foo involved. And i went to the radio office to start on the writcom essay. DID NOT DO AS PLANNED.

Ok back to Splash. It was so so bad it was actually quite funny. We sorta ditched it and went into Halo Bar. Was quite fun.. haha. We sneaked Chicken wings in. But then that bar girl came over. She said we couldn't eat outside food in there and that Alicia and I had to buy drinks or we'd have to get out. So alicia pretended to decide on her drink and the girl left. She came back again of course.. and then left again.

This was when Lamont, the bloody genius, told me to play pool with some guy so i could hide from her. Oh yeah there was a guy at the pool table. He was old. Anyway i lost the game and then he handed me a drink. Macalleres or something. It was dry whiskey on the rocks. And i was like "What?" And he said I lost so i had to drink it. Something about his colleague ... think he was trying to say that his colleague said i had to drink it. Lame. And i was like "Uh, ok."

Then i went over to Kym, Lamont, Darrick and Don at the fooseball table and told them what happened. It was quite funny they said he was trying to kill me. Then Darrick took it and had a gulp. Then Lamont had some. So did Kym and Don. And it was gone. So after a while i was just sitting on the couch with Alicia when that guy came over, drink in hand.
He was like "Where's your drink?" I nodded at the empty glass on the table. (this is so narrative, but anyway..)
He was like, "OH WOW!" Then he asked if i wanted another .
"Eh.. no. I'm good." I was really saying, "Fuck off."
He went over to Mok ( think they just had a round ) and handed him the glass. Mok downed half of it and they were talking so stopped caring. Next thing i knew the guy came back, this time, whiskey bottle in hand. He poured it into my glass. I tried to give a "WTF" face but i don't think it worked. HAHA then Kym, Darrick and Lamont came over to my RESCUE!

The funny thing was.. Darrick was like "Dear, are you staying over at my house tonight? Tomorrow's your sister's wedding then we have to get up early. (or smth like tt)" AT THE SAME TIME, Lamont was behind me touching my hair and shoulders like HE was my bf. HAHAHA i don't know how it must've seemed to that guy, but he went away.

And all was good again. We played fooseball and i wasn't bad!! haha. So that was last Friday.

2008-07-22T22:16:00.003+08:00

My rehab thing fail. Seriously now. I failed every portion.
Today, I met Butter! She's this small little pussy cat. Omgosh so SO CUOOOTEEE!!
Some guy saved her from drowning - I don't know where exactly or how it happened but that dude is AWESOME! They brought it to the FMS office and have been taking care of it. How nice.. Good people.
And then they named her Butter. And she likes boobies (Haha, my kind of kitty). She likes to clutch on to them. She also likes to put her head into stuff. Like say... cleavage. Or armpits.

Haha. Very affectionate little thing. But she's unwell. Girl's not pooping. The Girl needs to poop!

Gah. I wish i could adopt her but my Kat would never allow it - forget my mom. Damn.

2008-07-17T08:14:00.004+08:00

Rehab status
Days without coffee: 10 yesterday. 0 today.
Days without alcohol: 30 (aaahhhhh)
Days without sex talk: o
Days without saying 'fuck': 0

On an entirely separate issue..
Haha.. if you've seen the video for Last Nite by The Strokes, Jules looked so stoned. But then again he looks that way ALL the time. Haha so funny. I love em =).

On Regina Spektor..
I will admit that she isn't the prettiest person. So whatever. You can call her ugly, call her a she-man.. ON AIR, but I won't care anymore because i love her all the same (and defending her will lead to law suits and millions in damages). To each his/her own. She is BEAUTIFUL to me (with extra gorgeous hair!). But seriously now, people are more than their looks. If i was gay just for her looks than i'd be a failed piece of shit person, wouldn't I? Probably already am lah but.. less so. And see how i have turned this into an issue? GAh.. all the IS classes are rubbing off on me.

I'm a peach.

She hadn't been a virgin and he hadn't be a god
So she named the baby Elvis to make up for the royalty he lacked
- Regina Spektor , Braille

2008-07-13T17:25:00.006+08:00

Okay quick recap on my week.

Monday was alright. I cant remember much of it except that Elise and I were working on our stereo assignment with DAWS 7 till late. There were a bunch of really 'kitsch' kids in the next room and they made a hell lotta noise. Someone's bra came undone. I shall not name whose but i will say it wasn't me (sorry). So she had to go behind the tables and daws to fix it. At that point i was like "Okay." *shrugs*. But then i heard someone from next door exclaiming "Eh you ren zai huan yi fu!!" I looked over at the window separating both rooms. And those shitheads started crowding around the window. There was a door at the korner too and some of them tried to peek through. They were all excited and shit. And i just wanted to kill them. But it was hella funny too cos someone who so cute! She was like "GAH!" and she hid under the table!! HAHA! So cute rite? I asked her to come out but she wouldn't.. then i saw some girl staring at me. SO i looked back. And she turned away and was like "Eh ling wai yi ge ren zai kan wo!" I wanted to smack her. So this whole thing lasted for a few mins more. Cause those retards have no lives. She stared at me again. I stared back AGAIN. She looked away. Again. What The HECK. Finally they left.. laughing and all. Shitheads.

Tuesday! I don't remember tuesday. Why can't i remember tuesday. OH! Yes. Tuesday was short. Or it was supposed to be cos lecture ended at 1pm! Then we rushed to the DAWS again. But after a while we had to give it up cos ppl booked it already. And then we switched to an Mbox but it couldn't work. So there went 3hours. It wasn't a good day. A lot of running up and down. We got to hang in the radio office for a bit though. Elise and Lamont were bent on finding that midget porn. And I"M The Horny One.

Wednesday. I will skip this.

Thursday. Bah. I was still affected by Wednesday. So i was kinda bummed. But it turned out to be a much better day. Cos of socpysch! haha Elise and i had this great fight. We were so awesome! (hope we scared ppl next door. wldn't it hv been so awesome if they were the same bunch of shitheads?) I got to get rid of some aggression so it was GOOOOD.

Friday. I boxed with my brother. And I lost. Dammit! We were pretty rough.. he almost dislocated my left shoulder. And for a while my entire left arm went limp. Haha. Fun though.

(notice how my comments getting shorter n shorter.. I'm getting lazy)

Saturday. Went to make my ReSpekt Tee! Haha i know it's silly but i was nervous. I felt like my baby was in surgery or smth. It needed to be okay. And it was! Haha. I got a couple of stares for it. A guy chuckled at me on the train. (A mat didn't notice cos he was busy taking pics of himself haha!) The day was pretty fine.. My grandparents came to town! They didn't see the shirt though cos i changed. Phew. But at night... gugh.. some shit happened. Or should i say.. That asswipe happened. Made me pretty upset. But i got over it and later learned what F.M.S really stands for (Ooh).

~My current rehab status~
Days without coffee: 7.
Days without alcohol: 26
Days without sex talk: 0 =/
Days without saying 'fuck': 0

P.S: I'm sorry i lied about the 'quick' part.

2008-07-10T19:17:00.014+08:00

Well, to lighten up the mood of my blog a little bit because it's been pretty solemn, AND because today has been relatively good (beats yesterday - the worst F-ing day of sch), I thought I'd share some pics of my kitty Kat. Yay =).
I've had her for about 5 years now. Unfortunately, the earliest pic i have of her is from 4 years back. I don't know what happened to the ones before that. Sigh.

Haha she was pretty small then.. I remember that blue collar. She looked good in it. Got all torn up though.

She is so cute!

She went into my closet and started clutching and nibbling at all the lace-like stuff. That's my skirt btw.
3

Lazing on the CPU and leaning against the webcam.

I love when she sleeps like that. This is the point where you'd see her grow in size.

Oh and i absolutely love her eyes!

Note the green collar. =). Looked good in it too.

She crawled into my school bag! haha. She used to sleep in it all the time. Oh, the times she'd lie on my worksheets or textbooks to get my attention...

She had this fondness for shopping bags. And boxes. Those are her favorite things. Bags and boxes.

That's my gym mat she's on. It's her bed now though, cause she kept digging her claws in it! Never play monopoly with your cat. Ah.. she used to have her own bed but its gone now. And i lost the pictures.. =(

For a brief period last year, my bag was her bed.

She reminds me of a turkey when she does this.

This was last March. She had an ear infection that made them really itchy. And she had this little wounded bald patch on the top of her head cos she mis-scratched. I was pretty worried cos she got depressed in that thing. So quiet and obedient. =(.

Haha. She's fat now right? But it's all good. She still can lie on the top of the computer chair. ;).

Her new bed? My laptop carrier.

Haha I would show more pics but i'm quite lazy now..
So long~!

I'm gay.
So what?
Don't judge.
My butt. - Mark Hoppus

2008-07-10T10:26:00.006+08:00

She was lying on the floor and counting stretch marks
she hadn't been a virgin and he hadn't been a god
so she names the baby Elvis
to make up for the royalty he lacked

And from then on it was turpentine and patches
from then on it was cold Campbell's from the can
And they were just two jerks playing with matches
Cause that's all they knew how to play

And it was raining cats and dogs out side of her window
And she knew they were destined to become
sacred road kill on the way
And she was listening to the sound of heavens shaking
thinking about puddles, puddles and mistakes

Cause it's been turpentine and patches
It's been cold, cold Campbell's from the can
And they were just two jerks playing with matches
Cause that's all they knew how to play

Elvis never could carry a tune
she thought about this irony as she stared back at the moon
she was tracing her years with her fingers on her skin
saying why don't I begin again
with turpentine and patches
with cold, cold Campbell's from the can
after all I'm still a jerk playing with matches
it's just that he's not around to play along
I'm still an ass hole playing with candles
Blowing out wishes blowing out dreams
Just sitting here and trying to decipher
what's written in Braille upon my skin...

This song has me. I love the feeling of being completely immersed into a work of art. It is a whole other reality,similar to this world, but with different dimensions. I become someone else. I love that. And for this song, it is effortless. There is a violent, vivid imagery and in my mind it has a dance - one with the essence of a contemporary and lyrical dance. I have no idea how to describe it but in my mind it is brilliant.

I am her. And in this place i am bounded by responsibility and the dread of last month's rent. A deep longing for a new life.. because this one has come and passed me by. Because in this one i am a by-product of that one moment of pleasure and misdeed.

Yeah okay Mr FInder, i know I'm weird. My mind does this a lot. It's sort of like a habit. I can't shake it off it just happens. But i'm okay with it. I realise sometimes i may seem emo, or whatever, but that's just me temporarily off to another country. And by the way, the trips aren't always as depressing as this one. Haha sometimes my head is invaded by this whole story , and then a song omes along and fits right into this little scene and i just keep replaying in my mind over and over. And it evokes whatever feeling that it is supposed to be in me.

HAHA I THINK I NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. But then i really love bathing in the muck and mud. You are so calling me emo and weird. I can feel it.

But hey, I like weird. RS has this whole idiosyncratic vibe and Mia Michaels ( my fav dance choreographer ) is totally strange.

And I'm back to writing essays again.

2008-07-09T19:19:00.002+08:00

Breathe it in and breathe it out
And pass it on, it's almost out
We're so creative, so much more
We're high above but on the floor
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side

The deeper you stick it in your vein
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere, I feel so high

It's not an habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me
(Nothing means a thing to me)

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

Free me, leave me
Watch me as I'm going down
Free me, see me
Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.

It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive I feel
It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
I'm not an addict
I'm not an addict
I'm not an addict

Falling in love with this song again. She sings it so purely, it just swallows me whole.

2008-07-05T10:20:00.002+08:00

Man i woke up today and I felt.. sad. I just have these stupid thoughts in my head ( and by stupid i don't mean suicidal; different kind of stupid ) I They're only stupid because they're true. Unfortunately. Maybe i've earned my nickname huh?

I miss many many things..

And I'm sorry for many many things..

God, okay moving on cause i don't want to make this post entirely depressing. Uhm, The Strokes!
Yeah i love them. It's funny cause i used to be crazy for Kanye West in sec 3, and i checked up o his itunes playlist and he had the song 12.51 by The Strokes. So i checked that out and started liking them from there. I had only 5 songs from them and then i found out they HAVE TIES WITH REGINA SPEKTOR.

She was still relatively unknown when she came out with her first album. They "adopted" her as their lil sister ( how cute) and went on tour together. And she got much more recognition from there. So cool of them. Their cool factor went up so many notches after i read that.

Haha been checking up on more songs and i "dig" it (lil Patches style). I love them now.

2008-07-03T20:10:00.005+08:00

You know what? I can't believe i forgot to mention this. It was probably the most fun i had during the two-week mid-semester break (hi-fens.. aren't they cool?). My 4H Outing!! Haha. Damn we had a good time.

First ones to test the water! See, I didn't plan on going in.. at first anyway.

Who ARE these cam whores? Haha just kidding. I miss you.

Haha i was trying to balance. I probably hurt WanXin. I got on her twice. We crashed twice. "One two Down Up" right? Haha wadever. I'm heavy. My scale says 50.5kg, but i'm sure it's lying. Back to picture.. Everyone is so.. peace-y. Oh yeah. Ignore the moss on my head.

That was just some random girl who joined us.

I guess we were all just.... wet. So we took a picture. (thx for the shirt, Mr Finder)

They whored around without me. Well, i had to go out in the sun and wind to get as dry as possible. Brings new meaning to the term Blow Dry.

Haha ok. So there were many great moments and people that weren't captured on camera. Like the other 20-some odd people that were there. (Cos only the cool ones who went in the water are worthy of getting their pictures taken - not kidding)

That day was so great.. Everything from shivering in Vivocity with my wet under garments to getting ripped off at FoodRepublic ($10.70 for like ... rice with 3 "liows"? Hell no). I so miss you guys.. I wanna do it again!!! We NEED to do it again.

2008-07-01T13:09:00.005+08:00

Fuck. I sorry. But I was so screwed - I curled my hair. Yeah, there it is.

It cost $450. I know. I KNOW! I F*ing KNOW! I got ripped off!!! I Stupid. I noob. I Sad...

Sigh, okay lets move on. I'm gonna go make my Regina shirt tomorrow. And I really REALLY have to thank Arthur for everything. (Man, you are awesome! =) ) He did everything. And i just.. tried to describe what i like. Or thought i liked.

I can't believe he put up with all my shit.I mean I was really anal about the littlest thing - it can't be helped, I've got the twitch. But he tweaked every little detail that i had a problem with and was so nice about it. If I was in that position I would be like, "Ah, screw you! Go do it yourself ...Pendejo." But that's me. SO THANK YOU ARTHUR!! YOU ROCK!!

Gosh i owe you big time. I have to get you something. But i'm broke now. And i can't make anything cos i'm lousy so you'll have to wait. =).

One last thing.

ELISE!!

Okay I'm done.

2008-06-28T09:29:00.008+08:00

Oh yes. I've been called emo a lot lately. They say it's my face. Apparently I look sad when i stare into blank space. (Start of Bimbo-talk)Like, I'm so sorry that I made you THINK i was upset, but that's HOW i look, byotch.(End of Bimbo-talk) Usually the bimbo will have her bimbo friend next to her and say "Fuck yeawh". ELISE

Just STOP it with the EMO thing. I'm broody. It's a hot trait.

Moving on. I haven't blogged in a really long while so heres a recap of things i did this year.

Went to Jakarta in February. Ate a lot. Threw up a lot (at both ends, I apologize). Came back.
Started doing beginners Hatta Yoga in March with Joreen (Hey, I lost your address). Became more zen.
Started going to school in April. Met some people. Missed some people. Love some people.
Joined campus Radio station RadioHeatwave. Was that April or May? Anyway. As lame as they are and as much as i suck (AT RADIO<--- must emphasize), they're awesome people =).
Oh yes, I was drinking more this year. Bad , bad Sylvia. *whiplash*. Got really drunk twice during mid-semester break. Bad , embarrassing drunk. Worse hangover. Swore off drinking. For the month. And breezing through that goal, thank you.
Started Intermediate Yoga.
Semester continued. Wore a bathrobe in school all day on lecture day. Sober. =/. Well, i had a sip of Listerine. Which i DIDN'T swallow. IT IS OKAY TO, WHEN IT'S THAT PATHETIC EXCUSE OF AN ML.
And now here i am, blogging. Thats as much as i can rmb.

The things i'll be doing next.
Will curl hair. Today. May or may not look like shit.
Will go broke.
Will make at least 4 T-shirts.
Will go broke.
Will miss Lamont and Kym in the next semester.
Will go broke.....?

2008-06-27T20:57:00.005+08:00

Oh God, I am so in love with Regina Spektor. AHH!

She is the most intriguing, original, beautiful, and idiosyncratic individuals I have ever seen. I LOVE HER!! She is hands down the best lyricist of this generation! I mean come on, who else could write something as delicate as Samson and Somedays, and then write something as awesomely quirky as Poor Little Rich Boy and Ghost of Corporate Future? WHO else could blend both (Summer In The City and Bartender) ? Revel in her awesomeness (kung fu panda style haha)

It's been a three-year love affair. Now I'm in the process of making a shirt that says "I would be gay for Regina Spektor" - so F-ing true. =).

P.S - Arthur, how's this? Is it "bloggy" enough? The old me would have made this into an essay you know? You don't HAVE to commend me.. but you should. It's the nice thing to do =).

Homage Pt 2

2008-04-06T15:31:00.008+08:00

Homage Pt 2

I set out to make this post part two of my homage to my secondary life, but it's been a long time since part one and i feel and i don't know what to say. But i realised that that part of my life feels like ages ago, and i can't seem to remember vividly the things we did, the stuff we talked about and the jokes that would linger on for days. I tried but i couldn't recall much. Which is a damn shame because there were so many things.

That's why it has taken so long for me to write out a part 2, cos I kept waiting for some memories to pop back out. But I'll be starting school in less than 2 weeks, and lest i forget even more, I'll attempt to write what i can for now.

In secondary 1 and 2, i have to say that those weren't my best days. I was very fickle, especially in sec 1. A different group of friends each month it seemed. I said and did things that i wasn't - still not - proud of. I acted outside of myself in a frivolous attempt to fit in. That part of my life, and probably before that, i must admit i look in shame.

In sec 2, it was a different kind of misdemeanor. Well i got into express, and i felt fervently the need to prove myself then. To show others that i belonged there, that i deserved to be there. But at the same time i also wanted to show that excelling would hardly be a challenge. Like it would be effortless. So when my insecurity met with my ego, the latter won. And so i slacked off.

I paid little attention in class,always talking and acting nonchalant, thinking i could catch up later by studying my own when i got home. Math was the worst. I couldn't catch up. I was 'drowning' like Mr Raffi had said. But even then, i remained - seemingly - indifferent. I continued having a grand ol time in school not doing anything, and then worry and get stressed out when i couldn't do my work at home.

Finally i managed to snap out of it. I think my horrendous results carried with it, some shame. And this time my insecurity and my ego were on the same team. It was apparent that i wasn't doing well. That fear that people would think i wasn't good enough, forced me to study. And that is the truth - i was insecure.

I didn't manage to score many As that year but i did put in my best, i tried to salvage my studies. So no shame there.

Of course, i am leaving out half the story. There was this whole little melodrama i had with a friend. She was a friend, i am not ashamed of saying that. But that ended quite bitterly. And that's as much as i'll go into. I will say though, that I no longer bear much resentment towards the matter.

When secondary 3 began, let''s just say i had a lot to prove - at least i felt i did.

I wanted to do right by my studies that time around, and I thought best to start early. So I had a kind of attitude adjustment.

But of course, it wasn't like i became this by the book student who listened all the time and completed all the homework and studied chapters beforehand. No, i just paid more attention, let it sink in, revised if i needed to, did most of my work and studied for any upcoming tests. I slacked off every now and then like most people, i guess it was because i saw my results improving.( Generally improved all subjects except Chinese =(. )

Academics aside, that year, was probably the best year of my secondary life. There were new people in class , but half of them were from 2E, so it wasn't much of a transition for me since i already knew half of the people. But then again i couldn't really say that. I didn't socialise much back in sec 2. I kept with my own clique, which i am now not so sure i was in one. I was more of an outcast. I came in to the class a stranger, made friends with a few and stuck with them i guess. But i changed that year. I don't know when or where it started but i was more outspoken , more... happy. I goofed around with people a lot and i got to know more of them. We took Bio for the first time that year too, and Mr Hareesh taught us that. Haha it was great. He watched Grey's Anatomy!!!AHHH and he roots for Arsenal too!! Okok coming back.. I got along with him and he was about the first teacher i could joke around with, even back in sec 2. Gosh, i miss him. Jocelyn and i acted like we both had crushes on him, and so we were constantly fighting over him.Haha. What was that about.. i can't even remember how it started. I also, out of boredom during English i bet, started this whole persona where i was a psychiatrist and i made up stupid pseudo mental illnesses pertaining to different people. Symptoms would be the things they did , what they said, how they went about things. I'd name the disease after them. Like Yvonne's Yvlongitis. Haha. That helped fill the time. I even wrote out profiles for my patients! Must have had a lot of time huh..

We did a lot of stupid shit together.. God, that year went by so fast. It's really fuzzy but all i know is that it was my best year. The carefreeness, the time spent laughing , the friends and teachers, Biology... That was a good year. =)

2008-02-12T10:04:00.000+08:00

I am scared for my life.

There's a line that grabs attention, albeit too dramatic and exaggerating for its own good.

The cause ? My mother's constant badgering of my maid, generously mixed with my own form of prejudice - thank you Straits Times - , and a hefty topping of insomia, to make a relatively strong concoction of paranoia and fear. (Sounds like mocha meets cappuccino.)

I'll start explaining now. I confess i just wanted to sound removed by exaggerating becauase that's what people who are frustrated with something do. They stretch the truth to make it seem more intense and then feel better because they feel like they've unloaded their baggage.

If i may digress further, and try to psycho-analyse this, people tend to stretch the truth because the truth pales in comparison to what they are feeling. A trivial matter may cause a deep emotional sitrring, but if they simply tell someone else what had happened it wouldn't do justice to their emotional status quo. So then being dramatic would help to unload all of their emotional baggage....... I think.

The point is that i've unloaded the emotional crap as aforementioned
Now to tell it like it is - the less stimulating version

I got a new maid last August. (strange how that sentence could be replaced to say something completely redundant like 'i got a new sweater last August.)

And for the last 6months, my mother has been pounding for her - verbally - every single day. There is not a day i do not hear my mother barking at her. It's really unbearable to hear.

To explain both sides and maybe undemonise my mother, she is very hard to work with.

From day 1, the problem has been communication. Or rather, miscommunication. Because she always manages to do what was told wrongly. It could be the simplest thing like 'wash this shirt in the washing machine, not by hand.' And it would be said very clearly with gestures to the machine, and she would say 'ya understand' and 'yes' and then we find out it's done by hand. But she'll make half a dozen of those minor mistakes almost everyday and that invariably gets my mother's blood pumping.

Sometimes it could be cutting the chicken wrongly even when it's been demonstrated many times before. Sometimes it would involve things that require a basic dose of common sense, that my mother thought was injected into everyone but then she would make a silly mistake. Often times she would argue back and say that my mother had given her different instructions. She always misunderstands because of this language barrier and then believes that she's right. (i admit that can be a pain) And now she's starting to lie.

So my mother's reason for yelling might not be completely irrational, but it isn't exactly .. warranted.

It's almost as if she needs a punching bag. She gets stressed out and she blows up on people when they've made the tiniest mistake or have said the wrong thing - this one applies to me. A sudden snap that would lead to heated repertoire - again, applies to me.

I guess when someone makes that many mistakes (talking about my maid now) it is convenient enough for her to vent on. Doesn't make it right though, does it? Imagine being pounded on day in day out. Everything you do is wrong or not good enough and you are being called out for it every time.

Now i love my mother but i'm not above saying that what she's been doing for the past 6 months is just plain wrong. It's only a small step above bullying. You don't come down people like that every day. She's just super stubborn and when she feels she's right, there's no other compromise. Cause my maid sometimes argues back - what a help that is.

If i could throw in my own little experience : it was somewhere in December i think, and i'd told her to do something ber she did it wrong (cant be more vague cause i cant remember what it was about). Anyway, she snapped back with a loud 'No!' and claimed that I'd said this and that. I mean i was shocked but i don't think she was aware of her volume.

Case in point, my mother views it as defiance and rudeness and she gets piiiiiiisssseeddd. And then i get to hear it.

TO be fair, other than that, she doesn't treat her badly. When she scolds, she doesn't use derogatory words, she scolds her for exactly what has been done wrong, only that it comes down really hard. She does care - or did care - because she didn't send her back to the Phillippines when she could have. She knows that my maid has a new-born and needs the money. And if she lets her go, what are the chances of her next employer firing her? How will she be able to support her family? Et cetera.

But it's getting to the point of unbearableness for her and she's starting to consider it again. I don't know how that will play out, but here's where my concerns come in.

I hear her going at it every day ( there isn't a speck of obscenity in that so please don't stray now) and all the stories from the newspapers of maids killing their employers start to weigh on me.

And now i feel wary whenever my back is to her. You know? Like she could just decide that she doesn't want to put up with this bull anymore and butcher me. I know i make it sound funny, but if you only knew.... I question everything she does. And it's making me weary.

2008-01-30T12:45:00.000+08:00

Your Dren VP

Well, after reading some of your personal tributes to secondary life, idecided to follow suit and write my own personal homage.to NCHS. (because i'm that original.)

I'll start off with the President herself - Yi Fen. (only because the president takesprecedence.. eh wordplay hehe.)

Yi fen, it's really hard to put to words how much our friendship means to me. Idon't quite know when or how we started getting close, but it's certainly not in askingyou to hold my file!! i mean lol.. that just makes it seem like i was late alot doesn't it? If anything, i think it was the PE sessions. I remember one inparticular where we sat by the canteen looking out at the field and actuallyopened up to each other. And i was shocked that i did that because i'm not inthe habit of discussing my personal feelings or experiences with others.Looking back, i think it's because right off the bat, i knew i could trust you. Iguess i have always had a kind of intuition about people, and for the most partI think it's accurate. (didn't mean to praise myself =X. and speaking of 'tuition', iam gonna be giving primary school students private tuitions until school starts=)~ ) Okay enough digressions. The key things i look for in a friend is honesty and kindness. You have that, and much more =).

I was equally surprised that we have manythings in common, and in some ways we also think alike(?). At times, especially when i confide in you i feel like you're the wiser, more mature person despitemy being older.(Can be Quite disorienting you know haha) I know i goof off sometimes, okay, MANY times, and thatinadvertently lead to people ignoring or dismissing me when i have somethingimportant to say. There were many times that i got cut off when i'm speakingbecause someone would talk over me. But whenever i talk to you, it's different.I feel like what i say actually has weightage. Like i'm being HEARD. So thankyou so much for that, it means a lot when i need someone to just listen. And inmany ways i feel i owe you because you had to put up with my baggage. Thankyou for encouraging me, and allowing me to have faith in myself. Some times ican hear you say "Come on, Sylvia, you can do it." You're great in your studies,and that made me want to push harder as well. My O levelresults are undoubtedly thanks to your influence. And you know for what it'sworth, i think you are a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for. Hard workis key but your brains play a big part too, there's more than one reason forgetting 6 points. I'm only saying this cos you worry too much sometimes. But iunderstand why you do because i feel the same way about my own studies.And one last thing regarding - yes, get ready to puke - Jun Dong. I sincerelyapologise if i ever made you upset for dissing him. I hope you know that when ido that, it's not about him at all. I'm just concerned for you because i don'twish to see you hurt by this. Unrequited love is the most painful kind of loveand I've known its sting. That's why i can be so ... opposed to it. But i also wantyou to know that i support you and you don't have to be apprehensive aboutbringing him up when we talk. (I dont think you are, anyways. Just be preparedfor groans and a substantial amount of barf. =)~ ) You're a really important friend and i feel really lucky for that. Like i struck gold you know? wowowo..*kek*

Okay turns out i've dedicated this entire post to you.. i shall continue my little homage another time.=)

Life is Beautiful

2007-10-11T16:42:00.000+08:00

Life is Beautiful

So as you can see above, its October 11th 2007. (if not then you'd see it now) - My birthday.

Let me start by saying that today was a day i dreaded and looked forward to. Chemistry practical O level exam COINCIDENTALLY fell on the same day, which was incredibly stressful. I walked to school with thoughts either of my big day or the exam. So i was happy then nervous and tense and then excited again. Yeah... lol.

BUT - and i'm very grateful for this - the practical was so frigging easy! I HAVE to give credit to Mr Tien - my chem teacher of 4 years - for having drilled us in everything. Though our personal views may differ or clash some times, i have a sense of deference towards him. And guess what? The reagents Cambridge gave us today.... We've dealt with them many times before!! And the Titration was incredily simple too.

A narcissistic person would say " We're lucky we got an easy paper, that's because its my birthday."

I am such a person - and i did say it.

Moving on. Once in lock up i think most of us were elated. Heh. And the class sand me a Happy Birthday song, which was very nice and it made made my day.

We played Murderer. The bunch of us. I've never played it before - no childhood. But it was interesting.. anyhow after lock up we decided to continue on in the canteen.. before Mr Tien told us some good and bad news.

Bad news: Mnay schools found the paper tough.
But why would that be bad? I thought self-centeredly....
Good News: Our NCHS batch would probably do very well!
Haha. ! It fuelled our excitement.

So after playing Murderer for some time, shit and qy brought this cake for me. It was so sweet of them. I mean , they RAN back from compass point. And i made 2 wishes cos i had to blow the candles twice.
(elaboration: I blew out 1 candle the first time - fan blew out 8 others. The second wish i made i blew out about 7 - darn fan.)
Haha.. not to mention, they sand me 3 birthday songs. One in English, one in Chinese, and the other in Wawawawa. lol. It's a class thing.

So we continued with the game after cake distribution. LOL i kept getting the V letter. Victim. Anyways Arthur kept roaming around our circle putting that annoying dunno-what tune to our ears. QI JUN tricked all of us which was v funny but its a have-to-be-there type of thing.

It was a really special moment for me. Not because it was my birthday per se, and not because of the silly games.

The game might have been childish but you know what? I felt a real sense of comradarie. It's our last year, and that made what we did together all the more special. It also meant a lot to me that people would care enough to give me gifts and cards, considering we're all having our O levels.

So yeah, I was very touched..

There were a few people i wanted to see but didn't get to though.. Oh well, let bygones be bygones.. there wasn't much i could do..
But...
This day has been very special.. and my little disappointment wont make it any less so.

And I'm still in the middle of it! The day's not yet over.. Going to meet xuan later for dinner lol.

For now, this is Sylvia, age 18, wanting to thank the people who've made today a special one for me.

P.S: I realise tis post is a bit all over the place. And i use the word 'special' a lot, but sigh.. no other words are coming to me. Because it really was that.

Windersong

2007-09-20T17:30:00.000+08:00

Wintersong

This is a tough one to write. It's the kind of thing i think most people don't want to think about... and that's losing a loved one. This month, hasn't been a very good month. A friend of mine has been going through the roughest time. Her father has been sick for quite some time, and he's been gradually getting worse. It's a heart condition and he had been turning blue. About 3 weeks ago, this friend of mine, lost a friend in a car accident. And earlier this week, she lost her father. I cannot imagine what it must be like for her. I can try to understand or sympathise, but i won't know what its really like. There's only so much one can say or do in a situation like this, when one hasn't yet been through it. I'm not one for prayers, but when i heard the news, i gave a silent prayer.

This whole thing has snapped me hard from living in my own little world - and i have been lately. It really made me see, just how real reality is. People around me could be gone. You know i think a lot of us see all those stories on the news or read them in the papers and we think "i'm glad that didn't happen to me" or we think that that's not the kind of thing that will happen to us. That was basically my subconscious perception. I wasn't out of touch with reality,i don't live in a bubble, but i didn't connect it to myself. I never linked any of these things to my own life. But now i see it so differently. I feel like i'm running out of time to say what i should say or do what i want/should do.

Yesterday I found out that my grandfather has been heart problems too, he had a heart attack last night. I cant put to words how scared i am and i cant even bring myself to consider the possibility. I knew this day would come, but i never thought it would come so soon.

What's My Age Again?

2007-09-15T12:16:00.000+08:00

What's My Age Again?

With the prelims over the Os are getting oh-so close. It's already mid-September. How crazy is that? This year has been going at warp speed. Anyway, yesterday i found myself with absolutely nothing to do after school. It's always like that after exams ain't it? That weird feeling of aimlessness, feeling a little lost? Like from this crazy world of 'Study Study Study' , to suddenly having free time again. (altho its only for a short while) Its like i've forgotten how to go out and chill. I sort of expected someone to call me out for the weekend, like i forgot how to plan one myself. Weird huh. OK.

So back to yesterday...

I was in a semi-sedated state. My brain needed time to process what people were saying, and i was missing a lot of things. I guess now i know how Jocelyn feels. LOL. =)

We were people with no lives. Shit, Qian Yong and I. We were practically wandering around Compass Point with no direction. We'd stop and ask ourselves "Where we going?" every 5 steps or so. It was pretty retarded but anyways... Shit, had an idea. This coming from shit, you have to know it's gonna be.... ... ... uhm.. well. yeah. *shrugs*

She wanted the 3 of us to pick a place to go, like a random shop or something. We'd go and then leave for the next shop. So it would seem like we had a plan and we had a goal. -_-. As stupid as it was i actually went along with it... It was really dumb. We went to kiddy's palace(Qy's choice) then to Polar bakery (my choice - i only said it cos it was right in front of me at the time) and then to the Banquet(shit's). So we went from the 1st story to the third then back to where we were then to the 2nd.

I think she was really amused, and proud of herself for thinking of it. Oh well... I felt stupid afterwards. I think i'm still in that subdued state. I feel slow. And it has taken me 35mins to write this one post. Gosh... i so need to get a life after the O levels.

Why can't we be friends

2007-09-04T11:01:00.000+08:00

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Lately I'd been mad. Mad at this particular 'friend'. Why? Because SHE LIES, she is PRETENTIOUS and she thinks no one can see it, she likes to claim many many things often regarding money - a vain attempt to try to impress people, she blatantly remarks on issues that has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me. Those are mostly the things that are very personal to me, and she knows it cos i have told her before. And yet she dares to say them and still act like she hasn't said anything wrong.

Yes, we used to be close friends, (hence sbe knows things about me)... and i tried to forgive her when certain things happened but then i think this year she said something that was downright wrong, and with ill intent, i think that was the moment i decided to close her off completely.

Oh and yes, she likes to say things very openly, in a casual, 'hey i'm just kidding' fashion, but with the intention of a personal attack. Of course, she doesn't think i notice, and i don't respond to it 99% of the time because i rather not blow things up out of proportions... as things get whenever she's involved in something.. But now i'm finding it difficult because my tolerance level is dwindling. Drastically.

You know, some times i think she just says things for herself. Its more about making herself feel better, then to hurt others...but sometimes its just plain obvious what her intentions are and it makes me lose all respect for her.

I realise how im talking. As if i'm perfect. For the record, i don't think i am... its just that this is a whole slew of complaints i've bottled up for quite some time, so obviously, it's gonna be very heavy.

But she's not all that bad.. she's just immature but thinks otherwise, pretentious but thinks otherwise, blatant but again, thinks otherwise.
She doesn't know her place. I think that's the intrusive part. She doesn't know when it's NOT her place to say certain things. This is also the immature part.

But when she's not with the impulse to impress people by showing off or by claiming how others have praised her, she is quite fun to be around. But moments of her like this does not come easy... and i've found it extremely difficult to look at her without being angry with betrayal, irritated, and 100% FED UP. I just don't trust her anymore.

Going back to the part where I decided to write her off... That was some time ago.. i think since then we've hung out a lot , but I've kept a distance. We joke, sure. We laugh and talk about everyday things... but that's all... because i really can't make myself look at her differently.. its quite sad actually.. I havent told her all this because , 1, Im a coward, 2, I'm having crucial exams and 3, Im not looking forward to the backlash if I confront her. 4. It would be a hugely,awkward,painful experience.

Gosh... to be honest.... im starting to feel like i'm gonna have a whole track record of writing people off. I don't know if its the right thing to do anymore. I have done that a lot.. Once someone has a character flaw that i am personally against,i just can't get over it.. And finally after they repeatedly do something i write them off... It's partly my fault cos i don;t confront them about it... Anyway i don't have time to tink about this any further i've got to get ready to go to school.. Chemistry practical starts at 1.

Upside Down

2007-08-12T07:17:00.000+08:00

Upside Down

I haven't been blogging lately. I'd been grieving over the loss of my social life. I'd been studying hard. Really, i worry that i'll look back on this year and think that I didn't have a life for a good part of the year. Which makes me just want to get the O's over with and do something memorable. Something special ^^. But in the meantime, there's me, my pen and papers, and my cat. Who's constantly WHINING for attention! Who sits - deliberately - on any book or set of worksheets i have laid in front of me. Who DARES to HEADBUTT ME!!

She does all this because she knows that i wouldn't scold her. She is preying on my soft-heartedness with those big blue eyes. It's like that cat in the Shrek movies, the one who gets you to say 'Awww' with his big eyes? I suspect my cat has been secretly watching HBO when I'm not around.

She is a force to be reckoned with.

Sometimes, i wonder whose role i am playing; the owner or the pet. The things she makes me do out of guilt for not giving her enough attention.... I let her sit on my homework and block the TV and apparently she now thinks it's okay to headbutt me. I let her get away with too much and now she's dominating me! And I'm like "Wait! When did this happen?!" It's crazy, I've got a Nazi cat. (too much power)

And I hope you get it - that i have no life. Because all i talked about was my cat, even though its been weeks since i've blogged. Really, here's my daily routine - and i can sum it up in less than 3 lines.)

Wake up.Clean up.Eat.Homework.Stretch.Study.Eat.A lil Tv and MSN.Disturb sleeping cat.Study.Stretch.Disturb Mom.Eat.Study.Clean up.Sleep.

2007-07-22T13:09:00.000+08:00

Cont'd (from prev post)

Although, it may be a really long funeral cause this song's 9 1/2 mins long. Lol. I get the feeling like i'm saying goodbye... Which is weird. I intend to live a long life btw.. in case anyone takes this as a suicidal post.. Who's gonna do all the annoying if i'm gone lol? I need to do my job. Mmhmm.. *nods* But in case anything happens to me unexpectedly you can take it as an indirect, unintentional goodbye i guess...

Ok bye!

P.S: The 'OK bye' really means ' I'll see ya!'

P.P.S: Btw I feel like I just opened up a lot hor. Feel so exposed.. Ahh! Stop looking at me!! *puts on a robe* Bloody pervs.

P.P.P.S By the way to the previous by the way, this post is cont'd cos there's some gliche and i couldn't continue writing on the other one. So in actuality, there's only 1 post.

V long post ah.. lol

The Trapeze Swinger

2007-07-22T12:02:00.000+08:00

The Trapeze Swinger

There is a story arc in this one show called Grey's Anatomy. It was in season 2, which was last year, but somehow it managed to stick to me. This man, a patient, he was in his 50s or 60s, and he was about to go on a major surgery. Some heart thing. It was potentially life-threatening. And before he went, he decided to tape messages - of the things he had never said. He made tapes to his college sweetheart, it started off sweet and everything, and then he started getting bitter threw in a slew of harsh words. He taped about 20 other tapes. Meredith helped him. But the thing was, the surgery was successful. But he still wanted to send them out. He finally got to say his peace. And then i liked how Meredith, after witnessing this, said to George "I don't want to send out tapes on my deathbed." She was talking of her own estranged relationship.

I share her sentiments.

But you know, there's a song. It carries the life story of the artist. Even though it is written by a man, and even though the lyrics don't necessarily match my life, it carries my life story. And to some extent, i think it carries everyone else's.

I have alwasy felt like I wouldn't live a very long life. It's not pessimism, nor depression or anything of the sort. It's just small a feeling Ive always had. It's probably nothing, it's probably just me. But whatever the case, should my time come, i was thinking that this song would be... perfect. I think people often say they'd want a particular song played at their funeral, well, this is probably mine. This, and Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (i hope i spelled it right).

The Trapeze Swinger

Please remember me
Happily
By the rose bush laughing
With bruises on my chin
A time when
We counted every black car
Passing your house
Beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention

But please remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then they went on to say
That the Pearly Gate
Has some eloquent graffiti
Like "We’ll meet again"
And "Fuck the man"
"Tell my mother not to worry"
And angels with their great handshakes
But always done in such a hurry

And please remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight we’d forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
But now you're lit up by the city

So please remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower
Call and passes by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Gleam and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like "Lost and found"
And "Don’t look down"
And "Someone save temptation"

And please remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug burn babies
Upon the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Beside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
Of lead and chance to see
A trapeze swinger high as any savior

But please remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above
They're running in circles
Round the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind Saint Peter
So bright on cinder-gray
In spray paint
"Who the hell can see forever?"

And please remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
Said the trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last
The clowns that pass
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled the circus domes
The parking lot
Had an element of danger

So please remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if I make
The Pearly Gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of God and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissing on a sinner
A monkey and man
A marching band

All around the frightened trapeze swinger

Hear You Me

2007-07-17T17:08:00.000+08:00

Hear You Me

It's this feeling of inadequacy. I don't know what it is, really, I didn't used to be so doubtful, questioning myself on and on, now it's just a constant, draining routine. I really think that this is one of the worst places to be put in. I don't know when i started to lose it, but now i'd do anything to get it back. I feel desperate. I feel like i need to prove that i got what it takes. Fast. But the more i try the more i struggle at doing it right. Like I said, i never used to be this way... A series of mistakes, and the subsequent disillusionment, have seriously bruised my ego. It's funny because it happened a couple of months ago. I think since then i started putting up this huge front to convince myself that i still got it. Hah. What a joke... because I feel as though I've been amputated/castrated. To euphemise, I feel like i've lost that essential part of me. That spark.

I've always believed that self-love is a crucial thing to have. and not to be confused with ego,arrogance,conceit or narcissism. I had it once. Not my whole life, but there was a period where i had that, and it was good.
Having a love/hate relationship is never fun. Especially with yourself. I've started to behave a certain way, while being consciously aware. And some of the thoughts i've had and the feelings i've felt because of my insecurities..... well, let's just say i didn't use to be that way.

I don't wanna be that sort of a person.

Wild World

2007-07-14T14:25:00.000+08:00

Wild World

Hi!! I'm having one of life's finer moments right now. I feel great, stress-free and .. at peace. =) And i was just thinking that I often only write when i'm down or troubled, which is depressing to read sometimes lol. I'm really really glad for this moment.. It doesn't come easily... =) Milking it for all its worth. Sigh... Happy sigh.. Ahhh =).. I actually have nothing to say!! LOL.. The song Wild World by Cat Stevens is really soothing to hear..!! Classic song. Love the tune. ^^ It goes :

Ooh baby baby it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile..
Ooh baby baby it's a wild world
And I'll always remember you like a child, girl..

I'm gonna put it up on my playlist real soon! Btw, the weather is pretty darn perfect right now.. =)~.... Loving it!!!

7 Days

2007-07-06T18:45:00.000+08:00

7 Days

Quick update on what has been going on with me lately.

On this week

Monday - Barely remember it now. I think it was youth day holiday and I went to school for a Math lesson. Dunno what happened after that.

Tuesday - First day back in school . Officially, anyways. Tuesday blues.. as part of the celebration the teachs sang the soundtrack from A Land Before Time. It reminded me faintly of my childhood. Lol. It was weird seeing MALE(Man's man) teachers singing a song made by girls, for girls. Tickled me all way through.

Wednesday - Of what i can remember, we had PE.We took our height and weight. I've grown a centimeter and apparently lost 3kilos. And i dont mean that i lost 3 kilos taking height and weight. (But no one is that dumb... I hope.). Anyways... PE continued with some of the girls lounging on stage. It was very intimidating to see the tables and chairs set up for the Chinese O level orals. Mild panic there because my turn would be the very next day. And when half the people in class had to go off to take theirs, it felt more like i was about to take it. Was a nervous wreck inside. Im weird. =)

Thursday - Judgement day. Felt rather calm. Disturbingly, misleadingly calm. heh. Cos it didn't last long. Long story short. I took it. It was terrible. Humiliating on many levels and i want to bash my head in every time i think of it. Terrible, terrible. A huge let down. Because i did prepare for it. I put in the extra effort. But come to crunch time, i let down.
No regrets for preparation, hate myself for screwing up. I needed to talk it over. But it might've been too early for me and i would've bawled so i didnt. Acted like a lunatic instead.

School ended at 6.30pm, which was better than last Thursday's 7pm. On the way back home in the LRT i met my mum! Gave me a little boost from the tiring day. Somehow the days of bickering before had dissolved. I don't know if its cos the oral exam ended or it's just a family love-hate thing. Shrug.

Friday - Woke up reeling from the events from the day before. Feeling the familiar sting and self-hatred(v tiny amount). But, i talked it over with a really REALLY great friend. She had the same concerns and "DARNNIT" compulsions as me. But I know she's done well. =) I mean, after all, her turn was a few turns after mine. And like i said at that time.. Anyone who comes after me are very lucky. And apparently.. it's true. Too bad for me.

So now Friday.. and i am not in love.(The Cure's song)
Weird day today. I think i ghost-ed through it. I don't know.. Wrote a self-critical essay. Hey, it WAS the topic. Not a result of emo-ing. LOL. Funny... I thought I wrote terribly. But Sylvia(not me, the other one) read it - W/O my permission and knowledge - and said it was cool. I wonder if she thinks i wrote it based on myself. Because it would be really embarrassing if she did. lol.

Okay. So obviously other things went on during this school week BESIDES school. But uh.. yeah school is easier to write about cos it doesnt cause too much of an emotional strain. I am a closed book...
=(=. <-- not sure if i shld smile abt tt or be saddened. so both i guess.

2007-07-02T18:52:00.001+08:00

Black Coffee

Okay so since i was asked today about the different types of coffee, i did a little research.

Espresso - strong coffee prepared by forcing live steam under pressure, through ground dark-roast coffee beans.

Latte - I was right!! It's espresso with the foam and sometimes milk.

Cappuccino - again espresso coffee and steamed milk, often served with powdered cinnamon/chocolate(half right) and topped with whipped cream.

Mocha - Coffee + chocolate

2007-07-02T13:17:00.000+08:00

Forgiveness

It's been a perpetual game of 'Don't look the enemy in the Eye'.

That's the theme in here. It's especially tense when no one else is around but those 2 scumbags and myself.

Maybe not everyone knows, but there is an enormous rift in my house between an asswipe, asswipe's gf and myself. O how immature and frivolous this whole thing is! Yet, it carries the weight of a true calamity.

Have not had any sort of communications or interaction with that asswipe for more than 2 years. As anyone can imagine, it is tough ignoring someone for 2years straight when you LIVE with them.

Yup. Utterly exhausting, at times aggravating, and some other times i would wonder " Why? Why am I doing this?" It's quite ridiculous!

Then I'd remember how it started, even how it pre-started, and how it ended with me making the all important, unspoken decision to cut him out of my life. Line has been drawn. Indellible even with the strongest chemical known to man.(which is oxygen, right?)

Yes. Even when i cannot remember what the last incident was, I know what it took for me to make that decision. I know myself well enough to know that whatever it was, i put a lot of thought into it.
But it's sad sometimes.. where it's come to. Especially so during public holidays or any other stupid horrific holidays like Valentine's Day. Stupid holidays... only making people feel worse about their lives. Thanks a lot!! (bitterly).....

LOL ok enuff.

Out of my head

2007-06-30T21:39:00.000+08:00

Out Of My Head

As I'm typing this a few things come to mind : 1.) What did i want to say? 2.) Is it my com lagging or am I typing slow? 3.) I think everything is moving in slow motion. Should i post another time when im not lucid/sane? 4.) Whoever bothers to read on further is a moron. 5.) I don't know why i just insulted you. Sorry. Its as if my brain is foggy today. Im constantly mis-typing Just to prove it i shall now stop retyping all my mistypes.

Ok so i forgot wad i was about toi sy and i dun now why i won jus close e window n stop typing. my mind is a blur............Hmm

How does one convery(convery)[convey!!!] something clearly when she is mentally unclear. and btw i tried to type convery but ended up with convery. the next time i typed i still typed convery. 3rd time's the charm. =) i think tt rlly shouws (shows) u my current state of mind. don't worry i've already pat my own sholders with understanding notes of "yes... ok.. ya.. ya.. " in case u were wonderiung. =) do u want a fedun? urghh tis is annoying.

My question was : Do you want a fedun? NOOOO AGAIN I TYPED WROINGLY!!! IM NOT DOING TIS ON PURPOSE PEOPLE!!!!!

AGAIN!

My question was: Do you want a refund>? Becos if ppl had to pay to read blogs.. i should give back refunds for wasting all you time.( i meant YOUR time. ) GRRRRRRRRR.

Shall stop typing right away.

Breathe Me

2007-06-23T19:49:00.000+08:00

Breathe Me

One of the biggest fears I have is losing my memory. It might seem like this is coming out of nowhere.. it is. heh. I just saw a .. the most tear-jerking, heartbreakingly realistic video. I sobbed so uncontrollably to this one because it is just so true to life. And it's about love and seperation and death. We'll all lose our parents one day, some of us will get married, some of us will lose our closest friends or siblings, and then it'll be our turn to go.... I don't know.. just thinking about it all makes me so terribly sad. damnnit why did i have to see that video?... But it also made me kind of reminisce about the good years i've had, the good times i've had.. I'm at this point where I'm trying to hold on to this last year in secondary school.. like i don't wanna forget those little things y'know? Jeez what an emotional wreck i am right now... sigh... life life life... so beautiful, it makes me cry.

P.S: ok i alrdy said i was gonna say something uplifting after an emotional post... Hmm.. Right ok, when Ms Betsy Teo said that 70% of the ads out there are targetted at us teens, i want to just assume that all the ads are targetted for us... so i was thinking.. what about BEIJING 101? or YUNAM HAIR CARE? Yeah. Right now i am wondering ... How the hell is this uplifting?!

To that, i say... Meow! Weee! KAkaw! *whip noise*

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

2007-06-21T15:14:00.000+08:00

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

wow.. that was my 1st emo post since i revamped my blog. I personally feel like i should start a trend here. Like how i made the titles of every post a song title...

So for every emo post i do. The P.S will have something ENCOURAGING and EMPATHETIC , NICE and HAPPY and the world would seem to be filled with rabbits and rainbows and fairies fluttering around magical gardens with sparkling fountains and then a hippie will step into view and i'd kill him.. And i would know that everything would be okay . That the world is right again. LOL yeh . Will perk right up!

Why

2007-06-20T18:32:00.000+08:00

Why

I just want to get this off my chest and it's about something that has happened quite some time ago, but i never clarified anything. So here it is.

I know he thinks that i'm throwing my weight around. He's probably been thinking that for the longest time. I just found that out early this year. I overheard a conversation straight from the horse's mouth.. And it hurt. He was accusing me of throwing my weight around, then he made inferences of why that is.. Hurtful, baseless, shallow and untrue guesses.
SO THIS IS THE DRIVING FORCE FOR THE WAY HE'S BEEN TREATING ME.

To think someone would think that i would take advantage of something like this and use it to throw my weight around. I would never use it to do anything remotely close to that. And for the record, I never have.

What was said hurt me and I have cried so instantaneously in my life as i did. Its not that he misunderstood.. its WHAT he misunderstood. And how he's been treating me because he thinks that of me. And even though it's not true.. it just rips me.

Dont read the following cos its emo... (and i want to keep my face)

How many times do
I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey...this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth

I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides...Why can't you see this boat is sinking
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out

This is the book I've never read
These are the words I've never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
I don't think you know what I fear

P.S: LOL i got it off my chest and after 20mins im all better so lol.. i feel like wad i wrote was so emo. Im your new emo buddy! Get me while stocks last!

Not An Addict

2007-06-15T19:32:00.000+08:00

Not An Addict

Roar to you all. As uneventful days are going by- literally, even the shopping! - i thought i'd post some of the very bland things that are going on..

Let's see... I've been forcing myself to read The Red Badge of Courage, purely as homework cos it ain't my type of book. but its not a bad book or anything..

Boring yeh?

What else? Oh yeh. I am in desperate need of a dose of Grey's. I nid my gddamn Grey's fix right NOW!!!! NOW GDDMMIT!!!
I am experiencing withdrawal symptoms here. All the symptoms - mental n physical - apply. I'm sweating, convulsing uncontrollably, tearing up, my nose is running, I'm nauseous and feverish, I've been throwing up..... uggh its terrible i tell ya.
Mentally, i just have one symptom, and that's manifested by indiscriminate bullshitting.

So i've been reading, air shopping and bullshitting.. what else?.. hmm.. Oh yes. lazing around at home when i'm not out. Somehow the M.O (like they say in CSI heh.) for studying ain't there. I feel lethargic all day long. I know.. Action comes first. Then motivation. hard to push myself when my brain is so tired. Anyways.... i'll sign off here.

One more important thing. I stand corrected that Allison shouldn't have left.

ps: Not e best choice for e post's title. Cos the song is super duper depressing. But none of u know the song, so for all u noe it fits the post cos theres e word addict there. lol. ok nvm.

-If that's your boyfriend if that's your boyfriend He wasn't last night..

Hold You In My Arms

2007-06-13T19:08:00.000+08:00

Hold You In My Arms

Oh man.. These days, i dunno what's been coming over me, but i've been in such a romantic mood. I dunno why and i can't help it!!! I feel like i'm ready to be swept away...... .....

This is sooo sooo unlike me! Oh damnnit.. I feel nostalgic. Ok all these powerful d*****s are kicking in and its..... oh my god.. y'know?

I'm being swept away by tunes like " I could hold you in my arms... I could hold on forever...." Because its direct. Its not cheesy or fake because Its sung with such honesty. I love that.

And im swooning over Sade - By Your Side, Robin Thicke - Lost Without You, Brian Mcknight - Crazy Love, Ray LaMontagne - Within You.... etc.

I think the most appropiately sane question would be....

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!

I don mind it or anyting.. it just feels sudden. Cos where the hell did it come from>? Nothing's happened.. hmmm delayed reaction? Shld i call up my ex-es and tell em what they needed 2 hear frm me then, tell em what im feeling NOW.. even tho its got nth to do with them? LOL tis is crazy. nonono...

The logical conclusion is that i'm falling deeeeeply in love with myself. =)))

High School never ends

2007-06-12T10:50:00.000+08:00

High School Never Ends

Cool. So ytd was the 2e class gathering.. we had a barberque!! It was great! Actually better den i thot. I guess i felt like an outcast when i was in sec 2,maybe cos i was new to the class, so i was hesitant, but anyways.. this reunion was fun!

At 1st elaine n i reached n WHOOPS there were only 2 ppl there. Pinhui n Ziyi. N we were like, "I tot we were late.. its 6pm!"
Cos we were all supposed to be there by 5, and SOMEONE, i wont say that it's THERESA, asked me to come as early as possible. Turns out the 9am gang (whom i felt compelled to conspire against but didnt) were all late. They got lost!!!

Finally they came and we started this thing.And was fun!! I felt hot and sticky thru-out but it was all good. And a few ppl didnt make it tho.. Yifen.. i thot u said you'd be there.. Qy too.

Okay that's it. A bit of a lacklustre post cos i jus woke up and all.. All i have to say is that i HAD FUN.... the thing was FUN.

BUT.... (yup theres a but) Something happened on my way back.. after i seperated wif elaine.. something terribly embarrassing.. nono, beyond embarrassing happened. I'll leave it at that becos i can never ever and WILL never ever tell any1.
And trust me, you dont want to know. Im not exaggerating anything. Its really.. ugh.

P.S : to ppl who really REAALLY wanna know.. if you're one of those ppl who just cant stand it when you get your stories half told and you like to marinate in your endings.. or if you're one of those who always get your way and you always manage to wheezle the answers outta someone... well.. ok.. fine. I wasn't gonna say this at first, because i was being thoughtful....

That's really too bad for you, cos I'm not gonna tell!!!!!

P.P.S: Haha! I really wished you were tricked! =) =) =)!! hey. there's layers in the P.S tease, ok! so now u noe wad i meant when i was being "thoughtful".. I didnt want to have to say that earlier becos i was NICE. den Jocelyn (holler!) had to make me clarify things so i had to be mean. BLAME HER!.
I feel like this is like "Understanding the Writer's Craft". Helps you in you compos-w/o-the-t and essay LOL

Makes Me Wonder

2007-06-09T16:02:00.000+08:00

Makes Me Wonder

Finally!! I revived my blog!!!
I had a lil makeover.. as in this blog - not me. Technically i look the same... except for a few extra pounds.. Okay i wouldnt know that cos i didn't weigh myself, but it feels like it.
Any other physical change would be my barely noticeable haircut, and a persistent pimple on my nose. Hmm... wth is tt abt..

Okay enough wif the self-abuse. Since this is my very FIRST POST (first in 2 months) Maybe i should make it clear to all, lest the 1st paragraph misled you, that i do in fact, LOVE MYSELF. =)!! I'm great! =)))!

Its super important to love yourself! Self-love baby!!! Also, I dont have anything better to say. Nada. Zilch.
But i do pride myself for having wasted a little of your time! *winks* !

So how am i doing 4 my 'debut' post? Good yeh?
No?! Not enough sarcasm? Narcissistic yet self-loathsome comments? What abt humor? It rhymes with tumor.

Okay that came off the top of my head. Here, I'll help write out what you're thinking : ..................../ wtf/ wth/ diao/ more dots/lame/ dumb/ stupid/ idiotic/ all that was mentioned.

That again came off the top of my head. .

Hey, at least this post didn't have anything depressing in it. I didn't write about a dog dying. Or anyone dying. No forbidden love story. No tragic tale of a sad miserable pathetic life. Definitely no incest... ...... Seriously, if you want drama, go grab your emo buddy (we all have one of those..hehe) and watch a sad movie. Actually, you can jus hang out with your emo buddy and ask him/her one of 2 questions:

!CAUTION!
ASK AT YOUR OWN RISK

How are you?
or
What's been going on with you lately?

I guarantee instant popcorn-movie worthy melodrama happening!! So hurry, and grab your favorite emo buddy today! While stocks last!!

PS: Okay Im sorry .. but u all know what i meant by 'while stocks last' rite..? They're.. suicidal.. ? Its funny but not so funny. Okay very UN-funny.

Public Statement:
On behalf of myself, I would like to apologise to every single emo out there, I do not regard and do not condone Emo-bashing as a form of humor. I am regretful and did not mean to imply that Emos are marketing products, and I am ashamed of my outrageous remarks. It was beneath my own personal standards and I sincerely hope that this sentiment is accepted.... and if i was a more sensitive person - a better person - , I would have erased that portion away from this post. Sadly, I am not..
And lastly, kids, dont make fun of emo people.... .... make fun of emo-posers. LOL.

Public apology to emo-posers........

lol.. i keep offending ppl . this will never end. haha.
How's THAT for a debut post? My personal best. now i shall sign off happy and self-satisfied.. And FYI all my posts will be titled after some appropiately random songs.

Woohoo!! Till next time... This is your friendly SG heroin-with-no-e!!

Oh, the dilemmas

2007-04-01T16:36:00.000+08:00

This year is going to fly right by me. I have seen the wheels in motion from the past 3 months. It's April now, and come next year I won't be the same anymore. I would have graduated - if all goes well, that is.

Secondary 4. And life is a constant blur. It seems like there isn't enough time for anything. I am standing still with the blurred city lights in the background. It's beating me down. I can't seem to get a break despite the blatant cry inscribed on my pencil box.(GIMME A BREAK)

Something about this year and the next... . This is the kind of thing that makes movies. Or in this case, lives. It's a make em or break em moment. The pivotal moment. I'm already gearing myself up mentally.. I've got that whole vicious Spartan mentality(kill kill kill/die die die) down for the Os.

Trouble is i don't even know where i want to go after that.

The future? I knew i'd have to deal with this some day. I've been pushing it out of my mind as far as i could for the longest time. There is such doubt that comes with it. Such fear.... See when it comes to the future, i'm a mess. I like options. Always have. I can't decide on where to go. I have several ideas, none of which are concrete (a sure fire, safe route that I would be abso-f**king-lutely successful in). I guess that's not the only thing. There's the issue of contentment.

DO i go for the safe route? The 9-9 safe, dull stuffy office job where i waste away my adulthood drowning myself in files and finances.

Or do i reach out for my passions? I would love to be a surgeon. Hell, i've even picked a field. Cardio-thoracics. But you see.. the cause for this "little" dilemma is .. my affliction. I cannot possibly be a doctor let alone a surgeon cutting people up with such an affliction... Can I..? A very good friend of mine had told me to look past it. Forget about that, just go for it. I've always thought of ways to correct my affliction... maybe.. someday there'd be a way.. I can only be hopeful, but what if there isn't? Then where do i go? Also, the road to becoming a surgeon is long, stripped of all free time and buried in debts.(student loans, i think)

Another burning passion of mine.. (and i don't think my affliction really messes with this profession) is acting.

Haha. yes.
I can already feel the skepticism and mockery from anyone reading this right now. It's not a schoolgirl-wanting-to-be-popular-and-glamorous kind of stint. I trulydo love it. The art of acting. I think if i do work on it i can be pretty good. But i also know that it's a one-in-a-billion shot of actually having any success.
And being in Singapore, - not that im condescending or anything, but the production for English shows are........putting it nicely, not to standard - I'd say the chances are one-in-a-gazillion. It's a really fickle career though, and again, i'm in desperate need of a fall-back.

I really don't want to be 30,in a miserable job that i hate, and wishing i'd had the guts to reach for my goals.
So the fall-back would be... (drum-roll....) journalism. It's still risky, pressurizing, demanding and may be quite fickle, but it'd be a safer choice. And i don't think i'd really mind it that much.. but it's not my first loves.

Ok so i'm weighing all my options out.
Or as Ms Betsy Teo said : Vacillating.
I'm just keeping it real man, i mean i am SUPPOSED to be a Libran , so i can't let my peeps down right?
Right.. carrying on..

So you can see how incredibly vexed i am. I haven't even decided on going to a poly or JC!! The future is so daunting!! God!! I'm thinking 10 steps ahead of where i am right now. And right now, i am going through the motions of battling the big O. But as anyone can see, my life is at stake.

This year will fly right past me... It's the make or break moment - starting with the 'O'levels and follows through the consequent years

I wonder where i'd be in 10years, or even 5. Will life turn out okay? or even better.. would it be great? Or filled with misery and regret.

Mierda!

2007-03-18T08:31:00.000+08:00

It was the 3rd of March, I somehow expected it to happen and i just went with it. I didn't try to stop it. I did something that day. For something this BIG, and with so many views from others I just don't know what to think anymore. I used to know. I used to have a stand on it, which is why i dared to cross that road in the first place. It's just now that it's over - now that i've done it - , i cant help but question my own judgement.

Was I ..... wrong?

People's opinions start to come in. They've always made it sound like it's a core-shaking, earth-shattering , end-0f-the-world type of thing. Which , by the way, when I was beside myself contemplating about going through with it for the past 3 weeks, did come into play. I envisioned myself as that girl. The one in the horror movies, who stupidly but bravely walks to the end of the hallway and steps through the doors of whatever doom that lurked. Out of curiosity, maybe? Maybe she had convinced herself that it was okay to make that step. I don't lnow. It couldn't have been more confusing for me then.

But now that it's done with, what then?

The experience was ... painful(in every sense), to say the least. It's like after I walk into the cursed room, what was there? Was there a demonic monster or a very anti-climatic rat popping out beneath the sofa? I'm at that stage when i've stepped into the room, gotten through the initial fear and curiosity, and now waiting for something big to happen. Something CORE-SHAKING. Something that will lead me to think, "Oh, i'm so glad i did that" or bathe me in regret with "I shouldn't have done that".

Just something to snap me awake! And make me realise the extent of what i've done! So I can finally move on. Feel that j0y or remorse and move on.
So far it feels like i've blocked out all my emotions regarding this because if i don't, I would be such a wreck. And i cannot afford to be that especially now, especially this year.

World's On Fire

2007-02-24T19:12:00.001+08:00

This keeps me humble. It keeps me grounded. It reminds me of all the things that are really important in life. Makes me wnana get off my butt and go do something that really matters. And not be so caught up in my own mini drama. I am my own.

If only videos like this could be as mainstream and popular as the crap on mtv.

2007-02-24T17:15:00.000+08:00

I was stupid I was foolish
That's what i would say
after this mess is over
That giant leap of curiosity
Wasn't as grand as i thought
I am my own spectator
That girl in the movie
Who walks to the end of the hallway
Through the door of uncertainty
Where the ghost of
Look what you've done haunts
And there's nothing left to say but..
Holy shit.

I was broken I was yearning
That's what i'd say
Crumbling out of regret and out of the grave
A little human contact
It wasn't supposed to be this bad
At least not this cold
I am changed but my body stays the same
Falling to endless submission
I gave what i'd never had.

I am grey I am cold
I stand at the crossroads
A phone call away
This tragedy lay
Will i survive this
WIll it haunt me
Bound by a single breath
I stay frozen in my step

2007-02-20T19:28:00.000+08:00

Have you ever thought about
What protects our hearts
Just a cage of rib bones
And other various parts
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess
And to stab the muscle that makes us confess

And we are so fragile
Like cracking bones make noise
And we are just breakable girls and boys

You fastened my seatbelt
Because it is the law
And in your 2 tonne death trap
I finally saw
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret
And you drove me to places i'll never forget

2007-01-21T15:08:00.000+08:00

I saw this movie and there was this girl. This lost, messed up girl. It was so sad.. she was so sad and so lost... What really got me was that this girl was me. This character was really me. She got me down to my S. And everything she said made sense to me. It was what i felt and how i thought.
It was so hard to watch her because i felt like i was watching myself. And it was a brutal and ugly truth.
There was this line. Said by a boy to this girl..
"You are one of the loneliest people i know."
And that part was brutal. That part really got to me. it just really resonated with me throughout the whole movie.
I don't think i am that lonely.. or i dont want to admit that..

Family..friends and boyfriends..
And i still.. i still don't feel. Feel that closeness, that comfort...
I keep people at a distance. So this is on me, really.
There is just so much about her that's so much like me that it scares me.
It really does.. at my core.

2007-01-21T14:19:00.000+08:00

I'd been thinking.. just thinking.. a lot. And i finally realised that i need to stop pretending that i don't care. And if in a million years you'd ever get to see this, somehow, somewhere...
This is the torture you've put me through..

I drew a line
An Indelible line.
And i miss you
(The concept of you)
Whatever truth it may hold

Im not sorry for what i've done
But im sorry that you're gone
And i have wondered
every now and then through cups of black coffee
Where you are and who you're with
If somehow i wasn't what you wanted

It's been a long time now
9years but who's counting..
This place is devoid of you
Your memory comes in waves
So do the tears
I think of you
Empty anf resentful.... and sometimes mournful
I think of you.

I barely remember what it was all about
But the line will live up to a decade
it seems
I didn't need you then
I wonder why i think i need you now
It's nothing personal
It's not even you i'm looking for
It's the idea of you
Your presence
Your validation
Your strength
Your love
That's all i ever wanted
That's all anyone wants

2007-01-06T08:58:00.000+08:00

Dating to me is like shopping. You try on clothes to see if it fit, you sling handbags over to see if it compliments you well, try on shades to see if it suits your face... Its nothing more than that.. Unless I want it to be.. and i thought that people in their late teens would get that!! Who becomes bf/gf instantly when u just met? i mean dating's fun...

Now i really get why people shouldn't mention their mom, their baby plans, their ex-es and going steady on a 1st date..
Where I'm at right now, is just have fun with new people.. nothing serious.. nothing too deep.. because im not ready for something like that yet..

Im young heck im 17 going on 18 this year.. Im sure as hell not ready to commit to anything serious.. Unless i find someone who really fits.. ya'know?

Pre New Year's Eve Party..

2006-12-28T12:49:00.000+08:00

Okay so 2days ago i decided to host this New Year's Eve party at my house.. Maaaybe a little too late to start but who careS? lol..
SO now I have to get all the party refreshments down.. nOoo problem except that i am not sure how many people are coming... its always the "i see 1st" or the "maybes" and of cos e "i see 1st"..
And why do i just know that on e day itself there'll be people(who said they're coming) backing out? lol.. *shh!! katty shh!!! my cat's been biting my feet.. she wants me to play with her... needy little thing..*

Where was I... i just played with her lol.. Oh yeh.. So there're only about 6-7people confirmed... which is pretty lame lol.. but its okay..can still have fun.. So the party will start @ 6pm.. and we'll countdown to the new year.. We were talking about having decos up but uhm... naahh.. maybe just a stupid sign saying "'07!! yay!!" lol

since this is thursday and the party's on Sunday.. i'm gonna have to finish all my homework today.. or at least TRY to.. and tomorrow will be the shopping.. Cant wait for it! Might be a disaster lol..*get it over with..*

2006-12-21T13:01:00.000+08:00

Isn't this time of year just so.... mmmmmmm.. and hhaaaaiii...
With the raining, the wet roads and the christmas decor.. waking up lazy eyed and go 'mmmmmm' with the rain outside my window..
Its so that time of the year!!
And i would wanna watch one of those movies with the family altogether.. dealing with tiny tragedies... feel the sweetness.. the love.. sigh.. it makes me feel again..

It's all so....... nostalgic.

This time of year is always heartbreaking and sweet at the same time..
And there's this other thing....
You know what i tink it is..?

I think that its feeling colder on the inside than the air outside... and now when it starts raining non stop your body feels warmer inside.. it makes you feel again..

I donno.. maybe im the only one who feels this way... its not a feeling of depression or anything...
All i got is a haaaaaiii.... and a mmmmmmmmm..

For my eyes...Woohoo!!

2006-12-16T11:04:00.000+08:00

I dunno wad to post so im dedicating tis entire post to guys i find hot..
=)))~~~~ Got a couple of guys more tt i'd like to add... but im tired so this is it for now..

Christian Bale

Phoooa... hot hot hot!!!

Rain (Bi)

=)~

Jamie Foxx

Omg.. Omg Omg omgomg... smooooooooooth!

Teddy John

Cute.. but kinda boyish.. But his personality's not..

Shan Wee

Again.. a lil boyish.. But he's quite gorgeous actually....
heh. I wish thr were betta pics..

Chad Michael Murray

Cute.

Jay Hernandez

rlly hot yeh...

James Blunt

Maybe not quite in the same league.. but he has a lot of soul..

Andy Milonakis...

2006-12-15T21:01:00.000+08:00

Hmm this is weird.. i feel weird. Find myself with nth to say.. Its like i have all these things in my head and i have to get them out but they've been in there too long that it's all messed up together so now i have no idea where to start.. and what it is i wanna say... ... ....

I'm not explaining this very well.. Like the lyrics from Breathe(2am)..
"2am and im still awake writing this song / If i get it all down on paper its no longer inside of me / Threatening the life it belongs to."

Lately its been quiet.. nothing much happening.. i guess.
Well.. almost...
Last Saturday i went out with this guy.. for discretion i'll just call him Andy.. Cos lately been toking abt tt stupid kid Andy Milonakis..

OK so i hung out with this guy Andy.. met up in the evening to catch a movie.. We were pickin on a show.. and seats.. Turns out that only Open Season was the timeslot tt was convienient so wth... we cought it.. lol..
We got ourselves the Couple seats.. no big deal rite? Friends can take those seats... its like most comfortable to lean on someone when watching a movie..

Ok then we had abt an hr to kill.. went to ben n jerry's.
The seats were so cool.. and theres e big screen there playing MTV.(weekend break all nonsense) Anyway.. we hung out there, it was cool.. then at abt 8.50 a band came.. lol.. (shoutout to RTER.. they were quite gd.. maybe nex time u guys play there..)

Ok then we left for the cinema and i jus told him i felt sleepy.. cos i was having e flu.. so he jus said i could lean on his shoulder.. I didnt mind either.. its casual rite.. i still tink its ok.. Just that maybe i gave him e wrong impression.... i still dunno..

Cos as the movie started he started inching little moves on me.. Like first it was the stroking my arm.. then the hair.. then the side of my face.. he kept turning right to face me.. And the whole vibe i got from him .. was that he wanted something more than friends...

See the thing is if i liked him back or attracted to him i would be so totally into it.. not tt hes not gd looking.. but being attracted is different ma...

As e movie progressed he started holding my hands, knotting our fingers together.. it was so uncomfortable and i just wanted to shift away but then it'll be awkward if i did that so by now i was like "SHIT! how long is this movie?!"

And i felt him constantly turning to face me and my lips felt all weird n vulnerable... cos i didnt want him to kiss me.. i look at him like my cousin! And i dont wanna kiss my cousin!! So i had the urge to purse my lips all the time cos it jus felt weird... but i didnt want to cos i know he'll see me doing that and think maybe i want a kiss.. Which would be bad.. cos then i'd have to reject him and then things wouldnt be e same..

Anyways i couldnt help myself i pursed my friggin lips...!! (felt betta) but he saw it.. so after that i jus pointed my face slightly in e other direction.. And just to get out of tis awkward hold i kept checking my phone for the time.. msgs... making up lame excuses
i feel so dumb.... this is pretty childish..

Jus cos i didn wanna have a "talk" and clear things up, i let things get all awkward... anyway e movie was only 80mins.. we left for different trains and i haven spoken 2 him yet since that nite... i tink he noes... sigh.. i shld've handled it much better...

Theres a whole world out there and we often forget that..

2006-12-09T04:43:00.000+08:00

Now i feel like such a whiny bitch.. cos if this the worst of my problems.. then .. you know,I'm lucky.. After i whined i founnd myself going back to one of my favorite music videos by Sarah Maclachlan.. World On Fire.. And i realise how people are battling for survival 24/7 . Out of the lack of choices or opportunities.. Out of desperation and out of survival..

There's this scene of this lovely woman in Ghana,Africa.She's a single mother. She works 2 jobs. 16hours a day. 7 days a week. At night, she sells oranges at 2cents a piece. 50 oranges = $1. You can imagine what it takes to do that aside from the other difficulties that she faces in her life.

I tear up every time i see that scene because u can see the resillience and strength and love and still, even through her hardship, she is smiling and and it is so pure and so beautiful and it inspires me and gives me hope..
I admire her so much and all i noe of her is that one 5 second scene.. God knows where and how she is doing now....

This video is really inspirational and it makes me want to make a real difference.. to go out there and do something that really means somethng..

Zhabo United..

2006-12-09T03:51:00.000+08:00

Its weird being in this group.. I think it went wrong for me from the start..
When i'm among these 8 other people, i'm this moronic, childish person and its ALL the time when im around them. Every time i'm with them it just turns on..

We think differently and i dont have anything real in common with them.. the only way i feel i can really communicate with all of these people is when i am that moronic,idiotic person whose always trying to crazk stupid jokes. In no way am i saying that that's the kind of people they are.. Its just we have nothing else in common!! My relationship with all of them is shallow and all of a sudden there was this group formed and i personally had doubts and i didnt know if i should go along with it but i just said nothing.. I didnt want to sabotage this whole.. group thing. And i realised that im sort of an outcast there and no one takes me seriously..

Its just exhausting to be this person every single time - all the time- im with them.. Its not like im acting like someone im not or anything.. This whole goofy moronic persona is a part of me but i dont want to be that ALL THE TIME.. its really exhausting..
But its not something i can just turn off.. Im just so used to being so shallow with them that i cant stop and i dont even realise that im doing it..

When i speak to them.. i want to speak as me and not put on this whole front... but theres nothing with substance that i can talk about with them..
Something that actually matters to me..but I dont think that it'll be relatable...

Anyway i can feel this constant apathy to what i have to say.. Its pretty obvious to me. And now this whole group thing with the name and all it just feels so official . Something attesting to all our friendships which is such a... an awkward thing for me because of how shallow my relations are with the rest of them. I do want to get to know them better, move past this whole phase but how far could u go with people that think so differenly from you?

I just might be sabotaging myself but god.. It's been naggin me from the very beginning... at that time i just thought "Okay whatever.. its not like they noe me so it aint gonna affect me that much...they're just school friends.. I already have friends and people in my life who know who i am and understand me and who i can count on. Not gonna affect me at all..."

But now.... i just dont feel good having 8 people who i hang out with more and more, think that i'm that sort of person.
It makes it harder to drop this whole thing cos if im not that idiot, then i'd just be sitting there with nothing to say..

And then now im thinking if im just some despicable attention seeker whose sabotaging herself... It doesnt feel that way tho.. I just want some clarity on who my real friends are... Last night at the chalet we had a good time.. In the morning things got dazy for me and it really sunk in. This morning it really bothered me that i automatically become that childish prick again.. It really exhausted me..
And i realised tt i look really stupid some times because there is only so much idiotic things i have to say normally so i run out things to say and start picking at the lamest stupidest things.. And i cant believe i hear myself say things like that... Its fine sometimes cos it is me.. just not ALL the FRICKIN TIME.. I repeat too much... jeez... but i only have this blog to vent on on this topic so i realy feel like saying again that i'm exhausted..
It's funny cos i start being myself again with other people..
I want to start acting like myself when im around them...

I dont know anymore..

2006-12-03T22:05:00.000+08:00

In no way can i lose her now..i have too much anger towards her and i just can't lose her now.. I can't lose her and be angry. I can't deal with that.

My mother , through these 8-9years, has owed me a lot. That is how long she has been depressed. And I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HER since i was 8 years old. Been there when she was crying. Been here when she was venting, angry at whomever, -my dad, me, my brothers. Been there when she was unbelievably depressed and needed to confide to someone and needed consoling. I was there when she said how she failed as a wife, and the countless times she said she failed as a mother, how she feels that her 3 kids are so rude or disrespectful towards her and how we turned out this way. I was there when she would say that she couldn't live anymore, and i was there consoling her.

When she wanted to kill herself. And she would tell me to stick close to my family and how she wants the three of us to rely on each other. How she would always say that no one knows her pain. And she would always worry about everything and how she couldnt take it anymore. I was there when she took pills. Been there when she would try to overdose on them. Or she would tell me when she had taken a bunch on pills and mixed them with alcohol . I was there when she wasnt herself - irrational, emotionally unstable, angry, fragile... hopeless.

When i was 10 i remember this incident when i woke up late in the morning, i walked across towards the kitchen doorway, and my mum came out of there and she was crying and disoriented and she had a knife in her hand and her wrist was bleeding. I remember being so stunned and scared and i didnt know what to do. I yelled out "what were u doing?!" Loud enough so my brother could hear, and he came and i didnt have to deal with it all on my own.. Some times i would look at the scars on her left wrist, it would come out of nowhere and i would be reminded of everything and it would break my heart.

I remember all those times when she needed me, when she was going through one of her 'modes' and i remember listening to her, crying with her, being strong for her, telling her not to give up, feeling my future hang in the balance, feeling obliged to help her through this, thinking that i have to , to the best of my ability, to persuade her and encourage her to live and be strong. I did this when i was 8 , 9 , 10 ,. 11 , 12 ,etc to present. I felt that it rested upon me to stop her from killing herself. I remember soem times when we have fights, she would go into that mode again and feel like she failed as a mother, and i would never get a chance to say my peace while she would vent her troubles on me.

After all that i would go to my room, some times when she's not done she'd shout from outside.. and some times.. when its over.. she would slip notes under my door.. A farewell note. Always telling me how she loved me, how she wants me to carry on after she leaves, how to be strong, and it was always with a date written, and signed off with a "love, mama" .I would be so worried and i would go to her room and lay next to her just to make sure she was okay. All this is so frequent and after the 1st few times i would have the mentality that she'd be okay in the morning. But when im in my room, falling asleep, i would hear the slide of paper against the floor into my room and i would go crazy just thinking. Thinking what she wrote on that piece of paper even though i already knew. Thinking that what if this time something really did happen. FIghting my own anger and giving in to check in on her because i was so goddamned scared to lose her that way. And that i know if something did happen it would also be partly my fault. So i would get out of bed and go to her room.

Some times it would be locked and i would knock or just try to figure out if she was okay in there. I'd say i was sorry or just try to talk to her from outside.. her responding , regardless of wadever she says, would give me relief. Because at least she was okay.
I remember lying on my bed just thinking and worrying that tomorrow would not be the same. And my mind would go from there...

I remember growing up angry, i threw alot of fits, didnt have that many friends, was very short tempered. I was just an angry person and I didnt know why. I felt like shit and i didnt know why. When i got into secondary 1, i barely attended school at all. I would be absent 4 days or even 5 days a week. Teachers would talk about me, my classmates would come over to my house. A few times i had the teacher cometo my room to persuade me to go to school.. even my classmates came over DURING SCHOOL PERIODS to ask me to go. And i just refused. I was SO AGAINST going and i had no idea why. I jus didnt want to. after 4-5months of this i dropped out. Of course, during these times my mum would be so frustrated with me.

In the morning she would wake up for school and i would just lay in bed. Some times she would ask me with concern "why?" and i would answer because i had no answer. I didnt know why myself. Sometimes she would be mad and jus try to force to me go.. Sometimes i felt like she asked me why just to get me over it so i would go.. and i would have so many talks and so many arguments ...... It would just really rough... even compared to everything else it was one of the roughest times. I also got heat from my brothers.. my eldest bro in particular.. I mean..you would expect your family to be there for you in your darkest hours, my mine, didnt seem to care much. They just wanted me to go to school, bottom line. They didnt want to know why and so their angle of making me go to school was misguided. And it made me feel worse when i already felt just the lowest of my low.

During my drop out days.. THere were so many .. many many unbelieveably low days. I would actually compare sometimes.. like i would think "and i thought tt was my lowest.. this is.." I would cry almost every night of the month .. which is ALOT of crying. And i wouldnt let anyone see it. I still hung out with friends but they didnt know i had dropped out.. So i was faking conversations on school.I told them eventually.. And you start to realise the people you can count on..

I started to listen to music more.. and i would get the lyrics.. And it gave me the words to describe feelings i couldnt explain. And it grew on me. This was where i began to find myself again.. music.. really helped me. I felt like it was my true best friend. Like it was all i needed. I started writing on a journal, I wrote pages and pages mostly late at night.. i cried each time but after it was all down i felt so relieved.. And i also realised why i was so angry, why i was so hurt and where it all started.. And yeah, there was alot of resentment and bitterness and i would get even crankier at times.. but ultimately it helped.. i made sense of things. After 2 years i went back to school.

There are so many times i've repressed myself from saying what i needed to say to her. The times when she is lucid and stable and is like her oldself, i always thought of coming forward and telling her everything. Its just that it runs the risk of her falling back into that 'mode' again. And i didnt want to ruin a good thing.. It was always this struggle to keep her 'happy' for as long as possible. Its hard when i was always the only one there for her. It always fell on me and it didnt help when my grandparents or whoever would ask me to look after her and be good to her and all of that. It hurt even more because they DO KNOW what state she is in and they cared enough for her to want her to be okay but they didnt think of how it would all affect me.. I know how much it all affected me ... and i feel betrayed that they'd would give me to this responsibility. I mean .. How dare you?!?!...

Over the years... especially the last 3 years, it been better.. these moes have been less frequent.. but it does still happen. and when it does its worse than ever before.. and it hits me harder.. and i still get choked up. Sometimes i feel so goddamn angry when it happens because i cant believe it is still going on. After almost 9 fucking years. I lived through it already. Just to still be LIVING in it... gets me.

I have tried so many ways and i have tried not to care so many times. i have tried distancing myself.. i dont know what the hell to do. The most REAL, as in really THE BIGGEST argument we had recently.. after the usual shouting i started telling her, as best i could about what she ahd been doing and how to change her life and again i gave it my all into this. Again i was giving my heart into this pep talk. and like what she does over and over she just shot down everything i had to say. The feeling of having your efforts and your heart and soul just shot down in that way was AGAIn, painful as hell.. She just wouldnt listen. And i still tried.. I continued trying to get my words in for over an hour even when she asked me to stop. Even when i was crying .

Towards the end.. i told her she owed me. She owed me my childhood. She owed me A LOT. And that she cant just try to kill herself because I DESERVED MORE from her. I didnt and DONT deserve all this... MESS. I am so sick of her whining and i told her why i dont respect her , why i resent her. ANd her reply, in her delirious state , was that she wont ask for my respect.. ... ... She doesnt get what i want. She doesnt get my point. I want her to fight for redemption. I dont want some apology and her asking for my forgiveness because its TOO LITTLE TOO LATE. I want her to want to fight for my forgiveness to SHOW ME change. to SHOW ME something better in the future. To work to better herself.To seek redemption. That's how i would respect her. No one wants to resent their own mother..No one wants to look at their own mother this way.. But i cant help it... And it really really STINGS.

But right now, things are good. They're good..not because what i said got in, no.. it didnt.. i ran away from home after that.. it was during my exams actually.. on a sunday.. i didnt speak to her for about a month. Right now.. 2 months passed.. i mean things are good now.. we talk and laugh.. its how it is when things are good..
This is different though.. I feel like this time things are actually great.. Its been SO MUCH better than the good times before... WHich is AMAZING.....

But then about 3/4 days ago.. she told me about the lump she felt on the side of her chest and .... lately i just . i Just cant accept that if it is something serious, just the thought of losing her nOW? NOW? I still havent said ALL i wanted to say. I still havent forgiven her I KNOW i am still very angry even though right at the moment i dont feel it. It still comes when i think of certain things. And i cant believe that it would be like that..Its too much. And even though i am farely experienced to almost losing her... This new threat .. if it is indeed a threat.. Its different. It might REALLY be IT.

And im discovering a whole new level of scared. A completely new level of fear and hopelessness and confusion and................... It is too much.

Borat The Movie!

2006-12-02T11:16:00.000+08:00

Omg!! I cant wait for Borat's movie.. titled
Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Country Of Kazakhstan. LOL.. u guys should check out the trailer.. HILARIOUS!!

The movie film opened in the US and A and grossed 26mil in the 1st week.. wawawiwo!

Borat Quotes:

Jagshemash! My name-uh Borat,I journalist for Kazakhstan. My government send me to US and A to make a movie film. Please, you look.

This is Natalia *makes out* She is my sister, she number 4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan! Nice!

This suit is black.... .......... ............ NOT!!!!!

*Girls walks past* Very nice. How much?

Borat:(Lady next to him)This is your wife?
Man: No. That's my wife (points 2 end of table)
Borat: In my country they would go crazy for this two(2 ladies beside him) ... not so much..(points to Man's wife)

Please you come see my film, if it not success, I will be execute

Lol... hilarious!!!!

Worry.. worry worry worry.. Seems like worry is my only friend..

2006-12-01T10:23:00.000+08:00

Lately my relationship with my mum has been.. tension-free..
Whenever it is this way I'll always cherish that becos i noe that it wouldnt last that long.. Well its still good right now..

Only that last night she told me she felt a little lump on her side. I checked it and yeh. There is this hump, about the size of my two thumbs. She told me it hurt sometimes.. i dont know when shes going for that check-up..and whatever it may be..

And I'm thinking that we have so much that is left unsaid. So much that has to be cleared up. And even though I dont feel it now I know i have a hell of alot of bitterness and resentment towards her. Just the things that had happened.. and still going on these days...I just have alot to say to her.. On all these things and I never had becos I know that there will be alot of pain and hurt involved.. even though there might be resolve at the end I just never bothered to stir something up by saying anything.
I thought I had the time to wait till I'm ready..

And now my mind is spinning and I'm thinking of all these different scenarios in the future... And it scares me. I know its premature but it could be true.. I feel so in over my head and i dont know what to do.. If it turns out that that 'lump' is not benign...........

And last night i let her kiss me.. which i never let her do..
Oh this is so weird....

"2 AM and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
So cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe, just breathe"

-Sylvia

The Hair Chronicles Vol. 1

2006-11-28T10:47:00.000+08:00

-------------May 05---------------------------------------------------------June 05-------------------------
SO this is me last year before i cut my hair.. was a lil tipsy when i took tis
N someone forgot to turn the TV off..

THe 2nd pic i was on hols wit my uncle in Rome.. feel so lucky i got e chance to go round Europe.. =))) *big Fat Kiss 2 my uncle* ANd in tis pic i was REALLY tipsy.

November 05-------------------------------Xmas Eve 05---------------------------------Feb 06

THen i cut my hair.. hated it.. loved it.. then hated it at some point..

------------Oct 06---------------------------------------Aug 06-----------------------------------

So this is pretty much my hair now.. getting back to its oldself. But I'm gonna get it all curled soon.. when i have enough cash. So excited.. long luscious sexy curls.. woohoo! haha who am i kiddin'?

My First.......

2006-11-28T10:19:00.000+08:00

Okay... technically my first post... *fingers tapping*
Uhm okay.. =) I'm new at this.. And I dunno how to write this thing out.. Am i supposed to assume there's someone there listening - i mean reading this crap?

For starters, I love coffee..iced,blended or just straight up coffee..
me likey.=) [Ok how am I doing so far? Is this post boring you? Annoying you? Do my friggin' questions make you want to slap me?]
Right now I'm more into those sad rainy day songs... or something chilled out.. I guess its this time of year.. Christmas is coming.. and there is something about the air around Christmas time that always makes me feel something..

It reminds me of something sweet. Just pure love. Makes me wanna hold a cup og hot coffee[like e 1 i'm having now] and snuggle.. heh. At the same time its bittersweet.. there's a certain sadness that goes along with this time of year. its deep stuff.. So last year I made this XMAS mix in my itunes. For all the songs that fit into this whole bittersweet thing. Oh yeh.. i love my ipod nano.

If you'd bothered reading tis much then.. ........ haha.
I wouldn't.

Ciao[i havent thot of a signature sign off yet]
Sylvia